A grizzly scene in the "Hell's Kitchen" studio today as Gordon Ramsay, eleven contestants, and fifty disappointed diners lay slain in what one official called, "A product of the pressures that are so common in our emerging celebrity chef culture."
The offender was found shivering in the walk-in cooler clutching a paring knife, wearing Ramsay's face, and screaming obscenities at a pig carcass.
When interrogated at the station, the budding celebrity chef/murderer recalled Ramsay screaming, "You're about as useless as a fat bird with standards," and, "You look like a manatee trying to solve a Rubix Cube out there," when he was given a plate of undercooked scallops.
When questioned by the man about the adorability of said manatee trying to solve a Rubix Cube, Ramsay apparently told him to, "Get the hell out of this fake kitchen," and, "If I ever see you on the street, you're dead!" Ramsay, although dead on arrival to the hospital, just might be a big enough prick to pull through.