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April 23, 2017

Everyone's doing it these days. By 'it' I absolutely mean releasing their once private skincare routines and I will not be left out. Not again.

I Put My Whole Head Right In The F***** Sink

Really drown those pores. You want those suckers gasping for air. Screaming to you, “Please Mr. Walken! Stop drowning us, your skin pores, in this sink!” Well, they won’t say Mr. Walken because that is me, and if your pores are saying that then that means you’ve trained them like I have trained mine and you and I will have to have a little chat.

I Flop My Jowls Around

My mom, jowly woman she was, taught me to jostle my jowls as a juvenile. “Jump up and down as you gyrate and those jumbly jowls!” she used to say. She would never say my name. I worry she forgot it around when I was 10 and after that would just avoid using it in conversation. Birthday cards were always addressed “to my son” and me and Ken and Glenn never knew whose birthday it was. That’s why I got into the moving pictures; no one will forget my name ever again.

Use Soap Now

This is the step where you are to use soap. It has been clearly indicated twice, any issues with step three are solely your liability. I don’t know what that means but it’s in a lot of my legal contracts, so I put it here. The soap I use is generic brand bar soap and I use the total bar on my face. That’s right, the whole thing. At first, my face would be rubbed raw and it would take four hours. Since then, I’ve toughened up, I get no zits, and it only takes me three and a half.

Use Conditioner

When in the shower, conditioner always follows soap. I adhere to the rules of the shower outside of the shower walls, for I am a noble and clean fellow. If I see hair in any drain, I pull it right the hell out. ‘Rinse, Lather, Repeat’ is tattooed on my bicep. The shower is my safe place and if I create rules that I can abide by in and outside of the shower, the whole world will be my safe place. It will be like I’ve never left the shower.

Wash Off Soap and Conditioner

If you leave the soap and conditioner on your face, people might say “Nice beard, Santa Claus” and that might confuse the children into thinking that you are Santa Claus and we all know that Tim Allen will get pissy part two about that situation. Use water to wash it off. Milk and/or tea can work but only as substitutes. Also, soap and conditioner when mixed together could, potentially, be dangerous. Everything in moderation. Everything.

Wrap Entire Face In Towel

Do not cut holes in your towels. You’ll regret it when a lovely lover comes over and says “may I see your towels” and they turn out to be towel auditors. They will get you and make you pay. Plus, holes do not dry things. Not even the holes on sponges. It’s the other parts on the sponge. So wrap your face up, no holes, and give yourself an hour of dry-time. If you take it off before an hour, you run the risk of a wet face still. Nobody wants wet face because you could get mold face from too long wet face.

That’s how I, Christopher Walken, take care of my face. The Walken Money Maker is taken care of, baby, and now I will hopefully see a bunch of Christopher lookalikes out there, as is my dream.