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February 23, 2017
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I'm here to help you Don.

Here’s another open letter to Don Trump. I won’t call you Donald because that’s the name of a duck, and I won’t call you The Donald, because that’s you trying to act like a bigshot but instead it’s just stupid.

Do we call Bozo the Clown “The Bozo?” Do we call actor Brad Pitt “The Pitt?” Do I call myself “The Sammon?”

Even God we don’t call, “The God.”

What makes you so special, Don?

This is improper English language usage anyway and you’ve already been slaughtering the English language Don. You used the word “braggadocious” (means to brag) which is ironic in two ways. You were trying to make out you weren’t bragging about something when in truth you brag about almost everything (including the size of your penis). What’s even stranger is “braggadocioous” is an old English word from the 19th century that hasn’t been used in 100 years.

Are you going to give us a speech in old English saying “Forsooth, take ye heed yon varlet (means jerk), for thou hast my dander up,are thee and thy also braggadocious?”

Don! You’ve been sitting in a skyscraper in Manhattan too long Don. You need to join the real world and get real. I’m here to help you Don.

I’m going to show you how you can survive and avoid impeachment and all the agony and mess you are certainly headed for. Your poll numbers are dropping faster than a North Korean test missile. I’m your unofficial advisor. I’m here to save you from ruin.

Let’s talk taxes, or tax returns to be more exact.

I know you’re sitting there in the White House saying to yourself, “I hate this job already. Gee I miss New York.”

You just received a petition signed by a million people demanding that you make public your tax returns. Here’s what we do. Take the petition, open your desk drawer and place the petition inside. Shut the drawer.

Now repeat after me, “I don’t see a petition. Do you see a petition? What petition?”

What would the revealing of your tax returns do for the public, a bunch of do-gooder busybodies, anyway?

Okay, so it would show that you don’t have as much money as you claimed. So what? Big deal! Everybody wants more money than they really have. What’s wrong with that? That’s just being an American. It’s even patriotic.

And okay, so your tax returns will show you didn’t pay any taxes.That’s okay too, you’re just smarter than the rest of us like you say, we’re all a bunch of suckers and losers who support a system you’ve figured a legal way (loopholes) to take advantage of. Taking advantage, what could be more American?

Yes and the returns will show you didn’t donate to charities like you said. A bunch of leeches, there will always be losers who need free money.

Yeah and okay, so your tax returns will show you’ve had some secret business dealings with the Russians. This is only common sense. We don’t want trouble with a big country like Russia or China. We only fight small impoverished countries like Iraq and then brag how tough we are. Tell people you’ve been working behind the scenes (in secret) to make our relations with Russia friendlier, and at the same time taking the Russians for oodles of rubles, their own money. If the Russians want to let you (obscenity deleted) do it to them and pay you for the privilege, what’s wrong with that?

Wasn’t this The Art of the Deal, as in the title of your book, where you made an art-form like a Picasso masterpiece out of fast-talking someone out of their ill-gotten gains? Where’s the appreciation for your genius?

It’s no different than when you hire an American contractor to do a job on one of your casinos and then when he’s finished refuse to pay for the job and when he complains threaten him by saying, “Try and sue me I have 100 lawyers and I can outspend you in court. I can bankrupt you!”

The contractor always goes away unpaid. It’s the same with the Russians. They’re a deep pocket. The public and the liberal media are a bunch of ingrates. They don’t understand how much you’ve suffered using the Russians to your and our own benefit.

So the Russians gave you some gifts, including a thousand pounds of caviar and vodka to wash it down with and a promise to introduce you for a good time to a wild Russian girl named Oxana. So what? Did you take that gift?

Yes you did, but not Oxana. Next to her name you scribbled “Not yet we’ll see.”

That is not a conflict of interest.

Do the American people appreciate your sacrifice? Hell no!

Okay, you had some business dealings with the Mafia. That’s your business and nobody else’s. John F. Kennedy slept with a mob boss’s girlfriend and the liberal media loved him.

Besides, nobody’s perfect!

Always remember one thing Don. If you believe in it….it’s not a lie.

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