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December 26, 2017
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The following is an actual exchange between myself and an esteemed veterinary clinic in South Dakota.

My Email to the Vet

To whom it may concern:

Hello. I am having an issue with my new dog. It is ridiculous that I even have a dog. I found a cool TV on Craigslist. But when I went to pick it up from this guy Randy, all I found was a great Dane puppy named Phoebe. There was a note attached that said “No TV but she is more fun. Has all her shots. Is deaf. Good luck.”

So I was stuck with her. She eats so much food. But I love her. Here’s the problem. She is like her owner, a proud American, and definitely Republican. But our Aunt Francine is super liberal. It bother both of us, but I am pretty sure she is faking an injury to avoid seeing our Aunt Franny the Bernie fan. Whenever I sign “let’s go to Franny,” Phoebe starts limping and whining and crying. So we don’t go. But when we stay at home instead, she suddenly has loads of energy, no apparent leg pain, and is always bringing me toys and trying to play.

I want to show her that it’s bad to fake an injury, so I need some medicine that I can tell her is for her leg. But I want the meds with crazy bad side effects. Diarrhea, dizziness, hallucinations, the works. I love Phoebe, but she needs to learn not to lie about being hurt.

Hopefully you can help.
Thanks,
James

P.S. Are their hearing aids for dogs?

**

(response)

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Hi James,

Thank you for contacting us regarding your new dog’s veterinary care. It sounds like Phoebe is a very animated puppy! It doesn’t appear that we have seen Pheobe yet. A current client-patient-veterinarian relationship and physical examination is necessary so our veterinarian has a better understanding of what is going on with your puppy and what the best course of action is to help her. Please let us know if you would like to schedule an appointment to have her examined and establish a relationship with one of our veterinarians.

Kendra, RVT
Dakota Hills Veterinary Clinic

**

(response)

**

Kendra,

Hello. Ok, I don’t think I can afford vet bills right now. Im tight on money (spent a lot of it on mining gear). Also very busy. Is there any over the counter medicine you can recommend. Phoebe is escalating. I don’t want to say that I saw it, but I’m pretty sure I saw her gagging herself to induce vomiting to avoid Aunt Franny. I can’t have this go on any longer, I need to be able visit Aunt Franny before she passes.

Hopefully you can help.
Thank you,
James

P.S. Can deaf dogs still smell precious metals, like gold?

**

(response)

**

James,

Without a current client-patient-veterinarian relationship, we would not be comfortable making any sort of suggestion for a medication. I would have a few suggestions of things you can do to make an unpleasant experience for Phoebe more pleasant which would hopefully make her more comfortable going. A couple ideas: take a favorite treat that she only gets when she acts favorably to an unpleasant situation; a fun toy that she would enjoy that she gets only when visiting someone she may not like; rewarding good behavior with praise, treats or play time. If she is kennel trained, perhaps she would prefer staying in her kennel with a fun toy while you are visiting your aunt if Pheobe isn’t partial to that person.

In general, dogs respond and learn quicker when positive reinforcement is used. Hopefully the ideas to try to make her unpleasant situation more pleasant will make the visit tolerable for all of you.

Best of Luck!

Kendra, RVT
Dakota Hills Veterinary Clinic

**

(response)

**

Ok thanks. And can she still smell precious metals?

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