PARKINGTON BEACH, CA
After a particularly grueling two hour free throw session today at his local park, 42 year-old Sam Barrowes decided to knock off early and check his twelve active social media channels to see if the Los Angeles Clippers have asked him to try out yet.
“I’ve been working social pretty heavy the past few months, posting to all the Clippers official channels, as well as some of their private personal feeds and Facebook pages,” said Mr. Barrowes.
“This season, the combination of my high free throw shooting percentage at the park and general basketball smarts is going to make it tough for them to ignore me. Especially as I turn up the heat on social when they start losing games because of missed free throws.”
Clippers Need Dat Boyeeeeee
Despite being blocked by a number of team and player accounts, Mr. Barrowes is confident he will get a tryout soon. “The team free throw percentage is in the bottom third of the league, so they must already be thinking about finding some help.”
“When they lost a game by one point earlier this season, I went out and shot eleven free throws in a row and posted video of it with the caption ‘CLIPPERS NEED DAT BOYEEEE!!!!!’ That video had 8 likes within a week.”
“This is the kind of hustle that makes me the logical choice to add to the club,” he said.
Player With A Lot Of Upside
Mr. Barrowes went on to list a number of reasons that the Clippers should put him on team:
“First of all, I live within 10 minutes of the Staples Center, so I could be there on short notice for spur of the moment practices. Second, I am amazing when it comes to cheering – I think it’s safe to say I have already played a key part in a two wins last year based on my cheer levels, which I’m sure the team is already well aware of.”
“Thirdly, I am willing to take the bus to road games. I have a fear of flying, so this isn’t a hardship for me, and I’ve got sleeping on Greyhound buses down to a science. This would save a lot of money on road trips.”
Friends Not A Distraction
“I also don’t have any friends or a girlfriend. One hundred percent of my attention would be focused on the team. And I’d definitely be a plus in the clubhouse with my witty banter.”
Mr. Barrowes also has a comeback for when team officials remind him you can’t substitute a player to shoot free throws: “the team gets to choose a player to shoot all technical foul shots, so that would be where I would be the obvious choice. Making those every time would be a big boost for the other guys and give them a lot of confidence.”
Changing The Face Of Professional Basketball
Mr. Barrowes has also been working on a league-wide rule change to allow substitutions for free throw shooting.
“Substituting players for free throws would make the game a lot more exciting, since you’d never know who was going to shoot a free throw next. I’ve been Snapchatting Pepe memes to league commissioner Adam Silver’s personal and business accounts to get him on this.“
“I also showed up unannounced at one of his family gatherings this summer, so he definitely knows who I am. Or at least his lawyer does.”
Clippers Just A Start
Mr. Barrowes anticipates being in the starting lineup for the playoffs this year, and feels confident he will become the first player-coach to ever win a championship while scoring all of his team’s points single-handedly.
“You’ve got to aim high,” he said. “Sure, I might not get everything I want in my first contract, but I look at this as a stepping stone to big things,” said Mr. Barrowes, who is unemployed and lives with his mother.
“Of course, my ultimate goal is to own a team. But I haven’t said anything to the Clippers execs about that since I don’t want them to feel that I’m in competition for their jobs.“
"Which of course, when you get right down to it, I most definitely am.”
Your Trusted Source for Faux News