Hanoi, VIETNAM- The rare, hundred year-old giant soft-shell turtle sacred to the Vietnamese people found dead last week, is believed to have succumb to an “over saturation” of Trump coverage reports VNS,Vietnam’s state run news agency.
An autopsy of the turtle, known to Hanoi residents as ‘Cu Rua’, concluded that acute toxic shock brought about by Donald Trump coverage claimed the life of the beloved symbol of Vietnamese independence late last Tuesday. The dead icon’s discovery sparked an immediate outpouring of grief and fear as the turtle’s passing is seen as a bad omen by the deeply superstitious Vietnamese.
“The level of Trump coverage in Cu Rua’s system was tremendous,” explained Hung Doc Long, a herpetologist at the Hanoi Turtle Institute. “Usually, most amphibians die at about 5.4 or 5.7 parts per million of Trump coverage in the bloodstream. Cu Rua’s blood tested nearly twice that. That turtle was Trumped out of his mind.” It is still unknown how the turtle was able to obtain the Donald Trump coverage, or who could have possibly given it to him.
This latest high-profile overdose highlights an alarming increase in Trump coverage consumption, which is both addicting and extremely deadly. A glut of pure, un-cut Donald Trump coverage has flooded the streets of major cities and creating an epidemic that threatens to claim the lives of turtle and human alike. Users of Trump, or “T” as it’s called on the street,often start off enjoying it recreationally with friends around the water cooler but usually within days, the Trump works its way into the brain causing cell damage and rendering the user helpless to stop. Paralysis, death and disgrace soon follow.
Cu Rua, or “Great Grandfather Turtle”, is said to be the symbolic keeper of the sword that was used to drive out Chinese invaders in the 15th century and has for decades, warmed the hearts of visitors who were lucky enough to get a glimpse of the shy creature. Nguyen Thein Hung, a local Buddhist monk at the near by Vu Thach temple states that he noticed changes in the turtle’s behavior in the weeks leading up to the tragedy. “Littleby little, Cu Rua began loosing interest in things he used to love. He got some new friends and started smoking cigarettes and then marijuana. We started getting concerned when we started smelling the strong, distinct odor of Donald Trump coming up off the lake.”
Residents of Hanoi will now only have the memory of the great turtle to pass down to future generations. They will try and remember Cu Rua as the great national symbol he was in earlier years and not the bloated, T addicted turtle he became. “He was a good turtle,” remembers Hung fondly. “He just fell in with a bad crowd”.