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September 26, 2011

Jokes that go in a monologue.

  • Fox’s new sitcom New Girl debuted with impressive ratings.  Zooey Deschanel plays the New Girl and meanwhile, on Dancing With The Stars, Chaz Bono plays the New Man.
  • Neil Armstrong recently discussed NASA shutting down it’s space program.  He called NASA a “failure and an embarrassment.”  Then he said “No, wait...that’s Sarah Palin.”
  • Last week on Grey’s Anatomy, a character had an abortion.  Her friend asked “Are you sure you want to go through with this abortion?” to which she responded “Yeah, let’s watch Whitney.”
  • At a recent college football game, two grandmothers were seen shotgunning beers.  Not to be outdone, Betty White smoked meth and robbed a liquor store, all while guest starring on Ice Road Truckers
  • Tiger Woods and Kobe Bryant top the list of Most Paid Athletes of 2011.  This brings hope to kids everywhere, that they too can grow up to become highly paid sexual deviants.
  • At the UN meeting, many delegates walked out before Mahmoud Ahmadinejad’s speech.  They said they were under the impression that the screening of Bucky Larson was next.
  • NBC’s new 1960’s set show The Playboy Club debuted this week.  NBC and Playboy wanted a show set in a time period where their companies were still successful. 
  • A teen in Massachusetts was in for a surprise when he ordered paintball supplies and ended up receiving porn, sex oils, and male potency pills.  The shipping company apologized and rerouted it to Bill Clinton’s.
  • On Saturday, a Taco Bell employee ran away when a angry customer demanding hot sauce pulled out a gun.  This incident gives a whole new meaning to “the Taco Bell runs.”
  • Residents of a gated community in Florida were surprised to find a rare American crocodile in their neighborhood.  Experts say that this is rarer than episode three of The Paul Reiser Show.
  • Tom Brady admitted to reporters that he sometimes lies to the media.  Well then how do we know he’s not lying about lying?
  • The Florida Marlins’ new logo was leaked onto the Internet this week.  The FBI considered investigating but stated that they were too busy rigorously inspecting leaked photos of Scarlett Johansson.
  • CBS announced that Katie Holmes will play the much anticipated “Slutty Pumpkin” character on an upcoming episode of How I Met Your Mother.  Producers say that she was the perfect slut for the role.
  • The Playboy Club and The X Factor both debuted with lackluster ratings.  When asked about it, viewers replied that they, quote, “expected, like, way more naked chicks, man.”
  • Budweiser has introduced a new can design.  They polled thousands of beer drinkers nationwide on the new label, but they were all too wasted to see it.  
  • The crowd at the recent GOP debate booed a gay soldier.  In fairness, they thought he was Tom Cruise.
  • A professionally mounted bear was stolen from a bar in Pennsylvania.  The cops say they would've came but they thought the call was about a gay porno.
  • In a speech to the Congressional Black Caucus, President Obama told blacks to “stop complain’ and stop crying”, “But my mom just died” said a girl in the crowd.
  • In his new memoir, Arnold Schwarzenegger claims to be a big fan of Seinfeld.  If fact, it’s where he got the idea to have sexual intercourse with the cleaning woman on his desk.
  • The Octomom is fighting against losing her house.  Good thing Dancing With The Stars just signed her brother, The OctoUncle for next season.  
  • Alabama carried out the controversial execution of Troy Davis.  Yet another person senselessly executed while Jim Belushi roams the streets a free man.
  • New pictures of a topless Chaz Bono leaked online this week.  A police officer said they will investigate the leak just as hard as Scarlett Johansson's.  I'm sorry, I meant a bisexual chubby chaser police officer said they will investigate the leak.