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August 25, 2015

Ashley Madison's CEO wrote a 100-page screenplay loosely based on the website, and by the grace of God, it was uncovered in the most recent hack. Here is our dream cast for the film.

A lot of people are reveling in the delight of the Ashley Madison hack that has exposed hypocritical family values activists such as Josh Duggar and YouTube star Sam Rader. Though many others are understandably off-put that these hackers have suddenly declared themselves the morality police, outing cheaters or potential cheaters with equal disregard.

However, no matter what side you fall on, one really excellent thing has come from the hack and that is CEO Noel Biderman’s 100-page Ashley Madison–themed screenplay, In Bed With Ashley Madison. According to Vice’s Motherboard, the script loosely follows this plot:

The story centers on Sam, a young, attractive entrepreneur who runs a struggling ad agency and pines for her busy husband’s attention. The film opens when Sam loses a pitch to her all-time rival. Just as the firm seems threatened, a solution presents itself: The parent company of Ashley Madison, a fictionalized version of the real-life site, is going public and needs an advertising agency — but none of the big agencies will touch the account, even though it’s worth “billions in billings.”

Sam decides to learn more about Ashley Madison and snag the account to save her firm, her friends, and just maybe, her love life. “It’s a Cinderella tale about a confused woman who learned the value of love and friendship through advertising,” a narrator says. “That’s right, you heard me, advertising.”

Gawker also published some excerpts from the script, introducing us to such well-thought-out characters as the money hungry executives who are all orthodox Jews; Maggie Florentina, the devilish minx; Sam, the hardworking girl with a dream; and Handsome Stranger, a man who is very confused by women’s undergarments. Now, if you’ll be so kind to let us, here is our dream cast of the hopefully never-to-be made film, In Bed With Ashley Madison.

Sam (34/white/Emily Blunt) our protagonist who is hardworking woman in a sexless marriage. She is set on saving her advertising career by taking on Ashley Madison as a client and maybe, just maybe, her love life as well.


Sam’s busy husband (39/white/Mark Wahlberg) Stuck in a sexless and frankly boring marriage, Sam’s husband is constantly staying late at work and in his few spare evenings off, is out with his buds grabbing a beer. On paper he is everything Sam thought she wanted, but life has a way of slipping away from you. He is also 100% having an affair on her with some of his buds.


Maggie Florentina (31/vaguely ethnic to suggest wild side/Mila Kunis) Maggie is Sam’s gal pal at work, who does really well with clients because she fucks them in the storage room. She’s constantly telling Sam to lighten up and suggests that she, too, fuck someone in the storage room.


Jewish CEO (60s/Larry David) Curmudgeonly old man only concerned with making money and hitting on young women. He shines through as mentor with sexual tension to Sam.


Jon (48/white/Paul Giamatti) Sam’s reasonable coworker who is able to stay fully concentrated on his job despite the blizzard of affairs and office sex happening around him. He loves his wife and truly works just so he can make money to spend time with his family. However, no one respects him and he ends up looking like the fool this entire script.


Carson (30, black, LeBron James) Comic relief in the office when everyone is so stressed that the agency may be going bankrupt. Gives great advice while casually shooting hoops. By nature of this being a script that revolves around white people in their 30s, he is a friendly, sexless, approachable black man.

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Jack (26/white but very tan/ Liam Hemsworth) Sam’s lover she meets on AshleyMadison.com,who teaches her through late-night dinners, mind-blowing sex, and his love of fostering homeless animals that being 34 and a woman doesn’t mean your life is over.