Playboy just announced that their 2015 Playmate Of The Year is Dani Mathers.
This is exciting news for people who like to look at nude or semi-nude young women, but I don’t really care about it because I just moved into a new apartment and my fridge is broke and my landlord is being a jerk about it.

Here’s Playboy making the announcement on their Twitter:

The fridge has been broken for five days. I’ve been telling the landlord about it every day. I keep getting told it will get fixed, but so far, nothing. I feel so mad I could scream.

Here’s the cover photo from Dani’s issue:


The fridge is leaking a clear liquid on the inside and a stinky brown liquid on the outside. It got all over our food and the floor. I’ve taken video. I’ve taken photos. But so what? I feel so powerless.

Here is an artsy black & white photo from Dani’s Instagram account:

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We had to throw away like $50 in food because the fridge piss got all over it. Can I deduct that from our rent this month?

Here’s another one from the Playboy shoot. I guess burgers are sexy now?

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Could someone who is good at confrontation please help me out? I need you to call my landlord and demand the issue be fixed immediately. I’m too big of a wimp.

This is a pool pose one from her Instagram. None of these photos will show nipples, by the way. If you do a Google search for “Dani Mathers nipples” or “Dani Mathers fully nude” you might have better luck:

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What am I doing with my life? I should be looking up how to fix a fridge on Wikihow instead of doing this. This isn’t making me feel better.

This photo is insane to me:

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My girlfriend will be home soon. I told her I’d have the fridge issue fixed by today.

“Did you fix the fridge?”
“No, but I did put a lot of Playboy Playmate photos into an article hoping that if it got a lot of clicks it would make me feel better.”

I am not a man.

Here is another insane photo from her Instagram:

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I should move back in with my parents in Colorado. Living in New York City is too hard.

What is that white out all over these photos? That is really weird to me for some reason:

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Why did I ever leave Colorado? They have legal weed there. I should move back to CO, live in my parents basement, and enjoy the benefits of a fully stocked and non-broken fridge. That’d be the life.

Hat bra:

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I am defeated. You won, New York. You won.

This one is sort of like too sexy, if you know what I mean:

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There are mice and cockroaches, too. And the doorbell is broken. But it’s the broken fridge that broke my spirit.

Here is a promo video of Dani Mathers being the Playmate Of The Year:

Oops, that was just a video of the drip leaking all over the food in my fridge.

Here’s the actual video:

OK. Bye bye. Could someone please call my mom and dad and tell them to pick me up in New York City? Just tell them I’ll be curled up in the fetal position in the increasingly large pool of fetid fridge drudge accumulating on my apartment floor.

Also, congrats Dani. May your fridge never be broken.