6 Features of Bloomington’s New Jail Basketball Court
By Marc Ranucci
Recently the Indiana University basketball team has come under fire for a string of player arrests. They have caught the most heat because their players have no way to continue practicing while they’re incarcerated. Thanks to a $22 million donation from an anonymous donor, the Monroe County Jail will begin construction on a new basketball court. We contacted a spokesperson from the Monroe county correctional system who told us what you can expect as an incarcerated IU basketball player.
- NBA Scout/ Lawyer Box Seating
- We all know that basketball is for the fans, but while you’re locked up you may not draw a huge crowd. But, there are still some people interested in watching you play: lawyers. Your lawyer will get a special seat to see you play along with other members of your team or, as he calls them, “clients”. Your lawyer can watch you play, work on legal documents, and even order refreshments. Your lawyer will be rubbing elbows NBA Scouts, who will be in charge of your legal care in a few years. You may not have the skill of an NBA player, but you sure have the reckless abandon and arrest record of one. Play your heart out and show them that you have what it takes to be incarcerated like a professional.
- Referee Gun
- Lets be honest, whistles are for pussies. You’re in the big house now and there’s no room for lame shit like whistles any more. That’s why all of the referee whistles have been replaced with the Sig Sauer P227. You’ll be surrounded by so many handguns that you’ll think you’re already in the NBA. With new game calls like “get on the ground!” and “contraband search” you’ll never forget these crazy refs. The new referee gun comes into the Monroe County Jail court along with the time-out-Taser. These new tools will keep you in bounds of the court and the law.
- Mid Court Logo of a Tutor Doing the Player’s Schoolwork
- You’re a student, we get it. There’s a hard balance between your schoolwork and your athletic life. Thankfully, you have an academic tutor that, while you’re lacing your shoes to start up a game, is getting a wake up call from the athletic department about your arrest. Instead of spending time with their own schoolwork or friends or significant other, your tutor is nice enough to drop everything on their plate to do you homework. After a night on the court or a few days getting used to your new secondary practice spot, you won’t have to worry about pesky assignments or notes to be taken. The tutor plays such an eleventh man role in your basketball college career that we gave them center stage for once. Only once.
- Basketball Court
- This is an expedited court system for basketball players with more lenient prosecution and penalties. The basketball court will take PPG and hype into account when making decisions and rulings.
- Press box
- The press box is a great place for journalists to get post-game information from players by asking them questions. The same is true for the prosecutors. Journalists love getting the in-depth picture that surrounds the stories around the game. Prosecutors need to do some cross-referencing on the information they received from the defendant. Journalists want to get under the surface of the issues inthe basketball world. The prosecution just needed to pick up some files and genuinely just loves basketball at any level, but he’s an IUBB fanatic, that’s why he’s the one they chose to prosecute you.
- Your full scholarship
- Your full scholarship will be there while you’re on the court and while you’re on the outside,because you have a full athletic scholarship and aren’t going to lose it even after your second or third offense even if your offense is for something serious like drunk driving or hitting a person or both at the same time.