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December 04, 2011

"The Muppets" is far and away the best movie of the year, but what would a right-wing political blow-hard have to say about it?




10. "Opening this movie opposite Arthur Christmas was an obvious ploy to discredit the Christian faith and holiday."  

9.  "This movie mocks the instution that is marriage. No doubt President Obama (who approved of this movie, by the way) would have pigs mate with frogs, Muppets mate with humans, and have whatever Gonzo is be allowed to wander our country willy-nilly." 

8. "Fozzie Bear's puns show a blatant disregard for the proper use of English words and completely undermine the American educational system. We ought to "wocka-wocka" him straight to Guantanamo Bay." 

7. "The depiction of Smalltown, USA as an enjoyable place to live works not so much as a musical number as a propaganda film to depopulate the major cities and economic centers of the world." 

6. "Remember in 1984 when The Muppets 'took' Manhattan? Not so far off from 'occupying' Wall Street, is it? Get a job, you hippie bums!" 

5. "The inclusion of Beaker and Dr. Honeydew - not one but TWO scientist characters? A terrible slap in the face to creationists. Every "mi mi mi" spewed by Beaker is equivalent to one Jesus punch." 

4. "It's not easy being green - a jaunty, harmless, tune, or a slanderous brainwashing anthem designed to teach kids early on to hate the monetary system and revert to communism? No doubt if Kermit the Frog had his way, he would have us on a boat to Mother Russia before you can say 'Fraggle  Rock'!" 

3. "A cameo by James Carville? Well, it's all clear now. Bill Clinton was nothing but a sex-crazed alcoholic puppet for the real puppet-master Carville to act out on his leftist agenda." 

2. "Mah Na Mah Na? Oh, well, you may as well just start singing the national anthem in Italian.  While we're at it, why don't we just elect Mussolini's resurrected corpse? We could swear him in today!"  

1. "Letting the Swedes handle our food....? It's a slippery slope, folks. We might all wake up dead from food poisoning."