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Published January 05, 2012

 

Sometimes, when you have too much time to do nothing, you come up with all sorts of ridiculous thoughts and ideas. For instance, who was the first guy to eat an egg? I'll tell you who he was. He was bored and hungry. Bored enough and hungry enough to eat something that came from a chicken's ass. Fact.

 

I was similarly afflicted the other day, minus the hunger part. Unfortunately, my idea was not quite so earth-shattering as the eggs-as-food thing (omelettes...mmmmmmmm). That's a once in a millennium discovery. No, instead I set about determining which animals best represented each day of the week. What can I say? I wrestle with complex issues on a daily basis and live life on a razor's edge.

 

Monday is a Honey Badger

"What the fuck are you looking at?"

By now, most people have heard of the Honey Badger. YouTube did its part as did Tyrann Mathieu. But my first awareness of the Honey Badger came from Ben Thompson's blog, Badass of The Week. Read it here! There are certain life lessons to be learned from the Honey Badger. One of them is this: If something is named in an incongruous way, a sweet name and a mean name stuck together in one name for instance, that thing is not to be fucked with. At the very least it's unpredictable. Puff Adder. Eyelash Viper. Honey Badger. Marshmallow Shark...ok, I made that one up, but you get the point. Anyhow, Thompson makes the point that the Honey Badger has been known to run beneath male lions and bite off their balls! Now, what's Monday if not a chomp to the balls?

 

Tuesday is a Tiger Shark

Nom, Nom, Nom!

Everyone knows about Monday and what a bastard it can be. Just like everyone knows about the Great White and gets that super panicky get-me-out-of-the-water-right-now feeling when they go to the beach and/or dive into the deep end of a swimming pool and the word "shark" creeps into his/her mind. Thanks, Spielberg. You literally ruined any and all bodies of water for me. What most people don't know is that the Tiger Shark is responsible for a huge percentage of shark attacks worldwide, can swim into rivers and estuaries, can grow to 20 feet, and eats almost anything. There you are taking a nice swim in the river having survived Monday and OOPS! there goes your leg. Didn't see that coming at all. Huzzah, it's Tuesday!

 

Wednesday is a Hippopotamus

Totally deserving of Jawsesque cello music

No one likes Wednesday. Wednesday is that day you just kind of trudge through to get to Thursday and eventually the weekend. You're never going to have a long weekend that includes a Wednesday and once Tuesday is over with you're not really stoked to be into Wednesday. Imagine we're part of an expedition in deepest, darkest Africa. We've avoided the the lions and hyenas and painted dogs and black mambas and cobras and crocodiles and brain burrowing beetles and we really just want to get to the end of the expedition. We just have to paddle our ridiculously flimsy canoes over this river and we'll be more than halfway there. Cake, right? There are just a few beefy, amphibious cow looking things over there. What kind of noise can they bring? Plenty. Hippo tusks can grow to over a foot. Hippos are intensely territorial. Hippos have been known to flip ridiculously flimsy canoes. Hippos can hold their breath for over six minutes. Hippos shit underwater. Hippos have no sweat glands so they secrete a red viscous fluid that looks a lot like blood. Blood. That's just the kind of insane BS you don't expect that always seems to characterize Wednesdays.

 

Thursday is a Panda Bear

"Get a little closer and you'll see how cute I am, bitches."

Pandas are cute. There's no way around this. They're like Oreos and cotton balls got together in a test tube somewhere and made a baby. They laze around bamboo forests and eat shoots and star in Disney movies and are generally loved by everyone, even poachers. Seriously, Panda meat is unpalatable so poachers rarely intentionally kill them. Isn't that adorable? At the end of the day though, a Panda is still a fucking bear...and Thursday is still a weekday.

 

Friday is a Penguin

"It's the freakin' weekend, I'm about to have me some fun!"

Penguins are baller. Friday is baller. No one has anything bad to say about a penguin. They swim like torpedoes, are literally ice cold, and have a freaking permanent tux. They're like the Frank Sinatra of the animal kingdom and perfectly embody everything Friday is about. Put on your tux, have fun, and be cool. In the words of Lyle Lovett and his quirky genius, "I don't go for fancy cars, diamond rings, or movie stars. I go for penguins. Oh Lord, I go for penguins." I don't know what the hell that means, but I know it's cool.

 

Saturday is a Dolphin

"Haaaaaaaay!"

Dolphins: Flips. Jumps. Frolicking. Social animals who hang out in pods. Talk a lot. Have sex for fun.

 

Saturdays: Active. Fun and frolic. Hang out with friends and catch up on the week. Good day for sex for fun.

 

I got a perfect score on the analogies section of the SAT. This is proof.

 

Sunday is a Koala Bear

"My sleep number is Eucalyptus."

Sunday is the laziest day of the week. Even God rested on Sunday and if God's taking the day off, then so am I. My friends in college consistently had No Shower Sundays. This is exactly what it sounds like. Wake up at noonish, mosey on out to the couch, eat, watch some TV, take a nap, eat some more, watch some more TV. Look, you've got a Honey Badger to deal with in just a few hours so you're going to need all the rest you can get. And when it comes to rest in the animal kingdom, there's only one animal in the conversation, the somnolent Koala Bear. Koalas on average sleep 22 hours out of every day. It's completely within the realm of possibility that a Koala could go to sleep Saturday night and not wake up until Monday morning. I don't advocate skipping from a dolphin to a Honey Badger, but if you want to take Koala Sunday to All Pro levels, that's your business.

 

So there's your week. I'm giving you pearls here. Have a careful Hippo Wednesday!

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