It’s August, and enough is enough. We here at Funny Or Die News have held our tongues for the better part of the entire summer, but we can stand idly by no longer. In our capacity to not only break the news, but also to make the news, we implore our readers to snack on THIS:
Extra! Extra! Gelato needs to calm the fuck down and get over itself!
That’s right, we fucking said it. Gelato needs to sit down and shut the fuck up. And why’s that? Because gelato puts on a bunch of fancy airs, pretending it’s not just ice cream, but everybody with half a fucking brain knows that it’s just ice cream that a Zamboni went over or some shit. And to that end, we would love to know — what the fuck is wrong, exactly, with just being ice cream, gelato?
We’re waiting for an answer, you overly creamy pile of bullshit.
And as for the rest of you, sorry if this “hot take” is too hot for you to handle because of its white-hot controversial heat. But we’re not backing down from this one, no matter how many angry emails, letters, Facebook comments, and tweets we get. So go ahead and cram this piping-hot take in that sloppy pig-hole you call a mouth, right along with your filthy, faux-fancy ice cream.
Fuck you and fuck gelato.
God, we can already hear your whining from here: “True gelato has a minimum of 3.5% butterfat; gelato is generally lower in calories, fat, and sugar than ice cream; blah, blah, blah, I’m a gelato-swilling pussy fart.” Yeah, well, guess what we’re “generally lower” in? We’re generally lower in giving a flying fuck about what you or your gelato have to say.
As for us, we’ll have a good ol’ American ice cream cone, thank you very much. And before you open your disgusting gelato dumpster again, we don’t care that it has more air whipped into it than gelato does, because at least ice cream would never whip a bunch of hot air up our asses like gelato does every single fucking day.
Oh, are you offended? Did we offend your delicate little liberal sensibilities? WHEE-OOH! WHEEE-OOH! Here come the fucking P.C. police, ready to shout anyone down who isn’t nice to everyone and everything all the time! Well fuck you, too. You and your best buddy gelato can fuck right off back to Napoli, and stay there.
We’re actually glad you’re offended. Maybe it will wake up some of you blind assholes who just eat frozen dairy treats without even thinking about the fact that they’re pulling the goddamn wool over your eyes. And all because you can get ridiculous gelato flavors like acacia honey, prune armagnac, and champagne? Champagne? Fucking champagne ice cream that’s pretending it’s not ice cream? Do you even actually want that, you idiot?
No! You fucking don’t! No one does! And you’re a liar if you say you do, and we know it and now everyone else does, too, you fucking liar!
So get the fuck out of our faces, gelato. Ted Cruz 2016.