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August 25, 2015

You can't DO anything about it at all, but here's how to tell you're definitely on the road to death.

1. You feel tired.

This has nothing to do with the fact that you were on Facebook until 1am, and everything to do with the fact that your body is slowly failing at its sole function, which is to stay alive. Soon you will sleep the sleep of the ages, which is to say you will be dead.

2. Your throat kind of hurts.

You’ll notice it when you swallow, or just kind of whenever you start to think about it. It’s like a general throaty pain that will shortly balloon into full-blown AIDS. You can try drinking water, but nothing can stop death when it decides to come for you.

3. There’s a bump on your head.

Can your friends feel it? Maybe? That’s how it gets you. Your friends will tell you they barely feel anything, and that it’s probably fine. But having a small bump on your scalp is akin to being stabbed right in the face. I hope you’ve made peace with your God, because it’s all downhill from here.

4. Your hand fell asleep.

Frankly, I’m surprised you’ve stayed conscious long enough to find this article. That hand is not coming back, and neither are you. If you survive this at all, look forward to life as a hook hand, since they’re probably gonna have to take it off.

5. You feel a slight pain in your chest.

People will tell you this is just a cramp. This is not a cramp. This is a sign your lungs are attacking and eating your heart. Seek medical attention while you can, though if you’ve taken the time to Google it you’re probably too late.

6. A headache, but it’s behind your eyes.

This is ebola. You have 12 minutes.