I’ve been paying attention to Vatican City ever since this new pope came into power. Who does he think he is, with all of this tolerance and empathy and understanding? What happened to the good old days, back when popes exhumed the bodies of their predecessors, put them on trial, and then chopped off the corpse’s fingers? Back when they held fifty-person sex parties in which prostitutes had to pick up chestnuts with their hoo-haws. Back when anyone who had the audacity to suggest the earth revolved around the sun was tortured appropriately. This newfangled, benevolent, papal behavior can’t be legit. That little country must be giving the world the old rope-a-dope. Soon enough the Vatican will come out swinging like Ali, and, if we don’t pay attention, we are all gonna go downlike Foreman (before he came back with the Lean-Mean-Fat-Reducing-Grilling-Machine).

Reasons to be leery:

Wall, Eek! — Trump has been talking up a wall for a while now, but he’s ages behind Vatican City. The Holy See has been surrounded by walls for 1,200 plus years. Who knows what they have gotten done in that amount of time. Free from the burden of helpful, hard-working people willing to labor for below minimum wage, there is no limit to what the Vatican has possibly accomplished. My guess: they have hydrogen bombs that run on cold-fusion and prayers.

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I bet Pope Leo the Fourth got Mexico to pay for it.

451 — that’s the country’s total population. The Internet said so. If it was only 450 I wouldn’t be as concerned, but 451 well that’s not a population that you can just write off. Indeed, Frank Miller taught me that an army of 300 can fight off a horde of mutants with claws for arms, so maybe my drawing a line at 450 was foolish. The Vatican actually has 151 more than they need to take down the United States; I mean, we don’t even have one mutant with claw-arms.

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How can we defend ourselves if we don’t have a single one of these fuckers? Maybe Lockheed Martin can figure out a way to manufacture some.

Dynamite Comes InSmall Packages — The Vatican is the smallest country in the world. Well, you know what else is small? Gram negatives and the Zika virus and box jellyfish, and all of those things are deadly as fuck.

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Box Jelly more like Box Deadly (see what I did there—replaced the word “jelly” with the word “deadly”… hilarious).

Don’t Miss the Swiss Guard — The Swiss Guard dress like they are unemployed court jesters. In reality they are well-employed mercenaries with a specific set of skills (ala Liam Neesom in Taken). If they decide to employ said skills against us, we’ll be in a world of hurt.

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Our lone consolation: the Swiss Guard will look fat while they destroy the United States — vertical stripes flatter no one.

Zombie Army — St.Peter’s Basilica is named that because St. Peter and a whole bunch of other Christians are buried beneath it — they were put there by Nero (Rome Nero not Matrix Nero) who used them as a scapegoat for his own pyromania. This means that when the dead rise the Vatican will have an entire army of Christian zombies ready and willing to do their bidding. American zombies will not be as loyal to the President as Vatican zombies will be to the Pope. Politics is just too divisive in this country, even amongst the formerly-deceased, pro-brain-consumption, community.

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When I googled “Catholic Zombies” I got this picture of a sexy nun zombie. I have no clever caption. I just wanted to share.

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