Hark! Kim Kardashian of the West and Emily Ratajkowski of the Blurred Lines passed time together in a bathroom, and lo!, the fruit of their hang was a topless selfie. I must fulfill the blood oath I swore to Al Gore when he forged the internet out of tubes and steel and create a piece of Content about the double-celeb nude pic. The part of the Content where thou must gaze upon its glory is nigh:

What would happen if I did not post it? I shudder at the thought. For the breath of Jehovah, like a stream of brimstone, doth kindle the internet’s desire for Content, and I am shackled to oblige. O’ gaze again! O’ gaze and see the black bar which doth cover the nipples, three middle fingers raised in protest and four nipples covered in censorship, ho!

Are thou satisfied? No? BE SATISFIED, I SAY! Alas, I know you are not. Here: a cropped screen cap. Feed, beast, FEED!

Emily Ratajkowski and Kim Kardashian nude selfie crop.png

Kim Kardashian and Emily Ratajkowski gaze into the lens reflected in a mirror and you gaze back, forever and ever, back and forth, gaze upon gaze; the internet eats its tail—a digital ouroboros spins and spins—and you a bacterium in its gullet watch the digestion pass.

Users must see! It is our duty to Share, my command to Post. Though posted already on Buzzfeed and The Daily Beast and The Daily Caller and Entertainment Weekly and GQ and Fox News and ABC News and The New York Daily News and The Mirror and Just Jared and People and High Snobiety and TIME and Business Standard and The New Zealand Herald and The Independent and E! Online and Us Weekly and Mashable and Yahoo! News and WTAM 1100 Cleveland Radio and The Fashion Spot and The Sun Times and New! Magazine UK and York Region and Sports Illustrated and Hollywood Life and Express and In Touch Weekly and Le Soir and The Sun and Novo and Il Fatto Quotidiano and Blesk.cz and Elle and Romper and Refinery 29 and others, it isn’t enough!

For this has happened before:

And it shall happen again! This was a recreation of a nude selfie, and the recreation shall be recreated in turn, for it is prophesied:

“But the fearful, and unbelieving, and the abominable, and murderers, and whoremongers, and sorcerers, and idolaters, and all liars, shall have their part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone: which is the second death! But not for the posers, no! But for the posters! For those who seek clicks and those who seek to click, the bottom feeders and bottom feeder feeders.”

— Excerpted from "The Prophecy Of Kahn & Cerf " which is held in the archives of the Electronic Frontier Foundation

Gah! The keys sting…

I click and it burns…

I clack and I cry…

But type on I must. I am compelled, possessed. The celebs pose for the nudes and I post the celeb nude poses. So it is written and so it shall be.

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