Eat More Bagels
What is the most perfect food in all of existence? There’s no doubt, it’s bagels. The equivalent of 47 slices of bread, every bagel is bursting with, uh, breadiness. New Yorkers love them so deeply that they famously won’t shut up about them…unless they’re in an Uber. Nobody talks in an Uber.
With this helpful guide, you’ll learn how to add more beautiful boiled bagels to your diet, just like your doctor recommended.
1. Bagel Pasta
Everyone knows that pasta, as a meal, is just too light! Add some carbs on Italian night by running 20 sun dried tomato bagels through your pasta maker. It takes some elbow grease, but in just a few minutes—voila!—bagel spaghetti. Try it with Alfredo sauce.
2. Bagel Pizza
Let me start by saying: I do not endorse Bagel Bites™. Why? Not enough bagel! If you’re a genuine bagel aficionado, this is the recipe for you. Order a pizza from your favorite place. As you wait for it to arrive, toast up about two dozen bagels. When the pizza is delivered, tip the driver with a few bagels (if you can spare any). Rip that sucker out of the box, roll it up, and drip all that delicious pizza grease over each of your 24 bagels. Presto! Bagel pizza.
3. Bagel Salad
Shred a few everything bagels over a large salad bowl. That’s it. Because everything bagels are already loaded with toppings, you don’t even need to add any extras on your “salad.” Try it with Ranch dressing. (Pro Tip: Use food dye to color your bagels green. Anything green is a vegetable.)
4. Bagel Sandwich
If you’re reading this article, you’re probably already using bagels as the bread for your sandwiches, but why stop there? Slice a bagel into thin strips and layer it on top of pastrami, as a cheese replacement. Stab an olive with a toothpick and stick it on top of your sandwich. Finally, rip the olive off and replace it with three bagels.
5. Bagel Breakfast
Eschew the tradition of a balanced breakfast by replacing all unnecessary ingredients with bagels. Throw out your donut; glaze a bagel. Bagel donut–yum! Cut a bagel into strips and fry it up, like bacon. Instead of eating Cheerios, pour a few gallons of milk over a dozen bagels. What’s that in your coffee mug? That’s right: a steaming hot bagel.
How fucking pumped are you to eat more bagels? Before you know it, everyone will be calling you the Bagel Baron. Then your friends will leave you. Who cares? Bagels are your friends now! Paste some googly eyes and a fake mustache on a sesame bagel, name it Ramon. Ramon is true. Ramon is loyal. And he’s coming over for dinner. What’s on the menu? Ha ha, just kidding. It’s bagels.