1) Alicia Laying In Bed, Wondering Where It All Went Wrong
I know that celling stare. One minute you’re single and living your best live, the next you’re playing dead and praying to god the nerd you’re banging won’t read you a poem. It’s got to be hard coming up with a decent excuse to bail in the morning in the zombie apocalypse. “I really should get going. I have a big day ahead of scratching my ass and looking off into the distance.”
Look, Brad. It’s Brad, right? I’m gonna call you Brad. Look, Steve. Just because your psycho brother pinky promised he wouldn’t hurt Madison does not mean I believe it. People say stuff all the time! It doesn’t mean jack. Remember when AMC told us this show would be about the beginning of the zombie apocalypse and then fast-forwarded three weeks after the second episode? JACK!
Just because it’s the zombie apocalypse and these people are literally scalping your poker buddies and turning their brains into crow food DOES NOT mean you should call them Indians! Actually, on the grand scheme of angry racism considering the circumstances that’s pretty low on the epithet list. Maybe let’s stick to Indians.
2) No Reservations
Any time someone has to explain to you that the racist things they’re currently saying aren’t racist, boy howdy you better believe those things are VERY racist. Basically the most racist. Why do I feel like this land was obtained through less than honest means? I’d be more inclined to believe he won it in a game of Monopoly or a hot hand of dice in the Whataburger parking lot. I like how Jeremiah says their opioid addiction and welfare fraud have probably gotten worse since the outbreak. How the fuck is any of that logistically possible? If you can find a steady stream of pills and government handouts after the complete collapse of society, enjoy that shit because you earned it. Hey, by the way, HOW THE FUCK IS MADISON EVEN IN THE ROOM FOR THESE CONVOS? She got there five hours ago and now she’s involved with every critical discussion about the future of this gang of idiots. Their entire vetting process for being on the inner circle is an unlocked door and no further questions if you can open it.
3) Gretchen’s Creepy Ass Needs To Chill
Gretchen needs to smoke some damn basement kush and chill the shit out. She’s clearly paranoid right now and freaking me out with her creepy eyes! Wait, maybe she needs to smoke less basement kush? What I’m trying to say is the amount of basement kush she’s currently smoking is either too much or not enough and she needs to get those numbers dialed in pronto because every time she opens her mouth I get an anxiety attack.
4) Ring Of Fire
Am I the only one who wouldn’t be intimidated by 20 tiny campfires? All these guys did was set you up to make s’mores. You’re living in S'mores City right now! You should be writing them a giant thank you note right after you get all the sticky marshmallow goo off your fingy wingys .
5) Deputy Troy In Charge Of The Supply Shed
You’ve got to wake up pretty early in the morning if you’re trying to steal flour out from under Deputy Troy’s nose. He’s got his eye on you! Hopefully it’s his good one.
6) Vest World
I don’t know about y’all, but when I’ve been quietly drinking by myself all night nothing cures my hangover headache faster than a thick vest in the desert heat. WHY IS EVERYONE HERE WEARING VESTS ALL THE TIME?! What page of the survival handbook is that? It’s 112 degrees outside, this is not vest weather. Fun fact: An alternate title for this section was “It Was The Vest Of Times, It Was The Worst Of Times” but I feel like “Vest World” (what with the strong Western themes on this here ranch) was a better direction so here we are. Sound off in the comments with your opinion on my decision.
7) The Crazy Guy Acted Crazy Again
BREAKING NEWS! The crazy guy with a well-documented history of acting crazy just acted crazy again. There was almost no way to have seen that coming. Someone should really keep an eye on this dude! Wait, sorry. I screwed that up. Someone should really give this dude an eye! Time to let this family go, I’m sure they’ll go on to live a happy life on the road and we’ll never see them again because this completely not at all ominous departure definitely has the feeling like it was setup to succeed.
8) Troy’s Motivational Speech
Troy. I appreciate you trying to rally the troops, but YOU NEVER USE “TEETERING” WHEN YOU’RE TRYING TO CONVINCE PEOPLE TO FIGHT FOR THEIR LIVES. Teetering is not a word that inspires confidence or denotes militaristic leadership. Teetering is a word you see on a Chili’s menu to describe the new Teetering Tower O’ Onion Rings. So tall it just might fall! Only $9.99 for a limited time. Comforting to know that if my career making memes and recapping zombie shows doesn’t work out, I can always get a gig writing for the Chili’s menu.
9) Sadventures In Babysitting
You’ve been drinking here alone all night and you broke your hand because your head hurt? Slow down, Jeremiah! You’re making TOO MUCH SENSE.
Jeremiah sure is a fun drunk! Mumbling and flipping tables and shooting the floor with a massive handgun. That’s going to be me by 2PM tomorrow at the 4th of July BBQ.
10) Madison Tells Alicia About The Birds And The Zom-bees
“The rhythm method is bullshit,” is one of my favorite lines on this show so far. It’s a great line! MORE LINES ABOUT DIY BIRTH CONTROL, PLEASE. As long as we’re talking about being responsible, maybe someone should mention pulling out? Seriously. It’s not full proof, but NOT pulling out is substantially more likely to result in a baby. That’s just good science. If I heard, “Girl, maybe just don’t let that boy nut in you,” on TV last night I would probably stop watching TV forever because there’s no way TV could get any better than that.
11) Feeling Horse
“NICK! GET YOUR MOTHER! THIS IS A HORSE … I KNOW THIS HORSE! THERE’S NO TIME TO EXPLAIN! THERE’S A MYSTERY AFOOT AND I’M JUST THE VESTED SLEUTH TO CRACK THE CASE. THERE IS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN. MOTHER! NOW! NO TIME!”
12) Alicia’s First Fight
Trouble in paradise, folks! Alicia officially is having her first fight with Jack and I don’t know if they’re going to be able to patch this up. Better bang one out one last time on a pile of maps and poems for old time’s sake.
13) Bullet Holes In The RV? More Breaking Bad Stuff!
As has been extensively covered in this recap many times over and over, if this show wants to do Breaking Bad stuff more often I am very cool with it. Mostly because Breaking Bad was a very good show (maybe the best show) and this show is OK but not that great. Most of the time, it’s like a room temperature meatball sub with no cheese. I guess it gets the job done, but I know there are a million ways to make this project better.
14) Gretchen’s Mind Got Blown One Last Time
Adios, Gretchen! It was whatever knowing you for the past few episodes. You will not be missed and Bible Study will 10000% be better without your weird vibe. I’m not even sure Nick knew she was a zombie, he just saw a window of opportunity to make the world a better place and didn’t hesitate. Hey, remember when The Simpsons did the “I didn’t even know he was a zombie” joke?
The Simpsons is a great show and this recap should make Simpsons references more often.
15) Madison’s Perfect Plan
Madison covering for Troy and pinning that RV massacre on Walker was an unorthodox move. But I guess it’s all part of her perfect plan to terrify these people into staying so they can defend themselves against the people who are trying to kill the guy who is actually the source of the terror. Great plan! Pretty much the fucking best, I see nothing that could possibly go wrong here. A+ work from the planning committee.
16) Fancy Rice Is My New Favorite Character
Just because the world is ending and the dead are roaming the earth looking to eat anything that moves DOES NOT MEAN WE ARE ANIMALS WHO EAT PLAIN JANE RICE. ONLY THE FANCIEST OF RICE, GOOD SIRS AND MADAMES! We’re not just trying to survive on this ranch, we’re trying to live.
17) The Crazy Guy Who Consistently Acts Crazy Promises To Not Act Crazy Anymore And This Time He Totally Means It
The crazy guy who has acted crazy in every single episode since we met his crazy ass promises to not act crazy anymore. And I believe him! I’ve got a great feeling about all of this. We are officially on easy street from here on out and nobody is going to die. Hooray! We did it. Just kidding. The opposite of all of that is what will actually happen. TUNE IN NEXT WEEK! Will Alicia catch up with her new boyfriend, Todd? She has to give him the most important map of all … the map to her heart. Will Troy and Madison start hooking up, making Troy his brother’s stepdad? It’s the only way he’s ever going to gain his full respect. Will Jeremiah shoot a hole in a perfectly good chair? That chair was looking at him funny and should know its place! NONE OF THIS AND MORE on S03E07 of Fear The Walking Dead!