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May 10, 2015
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We challenged comedians Wes Schlangenhauf and Parker Seaman to sit down and watch every channel we get on Funny or Die's TV. It's a herculean task. Are they up for it? They don't really have a choice because we aren't letting them leave.

Every month, we at Funny or Die pay for a huge number of channels on cable TV. We decided that we might as well get our money’s worth out of them, by asking two goofballs to watch every single one of them for ten hours without any breaks.

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Meet Wes and Parker. They are great friends and they love TV.

Funny Or Die challenged comedians, friends, and TV maniacs Wes Schlagenhauf and Parker Seaman to sit in a room and watch every channel we get on our TV. Seems pretty easy, right? It isn’t, because the majority of these channels are terrible such as The Old Stinky Hamper Network and The Spit Network (probably). Also they abandoned their mothers to be here. Here are the rules:

  • The All Channels Challenge shall last 10 hours.
  • Every channel must be watched for 5 minutes.
  • No channel can be skipped.
  • No breaks for any reason whatsoever.
  • You can go to the bathroom though.

As these dudes go HAM watching TV, we’ll keep you all updated right here with their thoughts and also their vital signs because this challenge very well could kill them. Cheah!!! Updates to come!!!

11:59 AM - This is about to go down.

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This busy room will be our home base for TV binging.

12:07 PM - CH. 1 - WINS: Throw Out Your Makeup!

The speakers and blasting, the snacks are flowing, and we are now watching TV. The guys are learning to throw out their makeup. This is a lesson we should all learn and we learned it right here using the power of TV. Imagining everything we will learn over the next 10 hours lifts me and inspires me.

Also the fire alarm is going off.

1:06 PM - CH. 5 - KTLA: Armando Montelongo Flipping

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The guys wanted to get schooled in flipping houses. No such luck. Get it together, Armando.

Wes and Parker just called a 1-800 number for a seminar that taught you how to make a million by flipping houses. The person who answered the phone had not even taken the seminar. Doesn’t inspire a lot of confidence. Armando Montelongo just lost a potential customer and could definitely stand to strengthen his brand.

1:19 PM - CH. 7 - ABC - Bulls game and a visit from a friend

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This stranger was looking for his wallet. He was weirdly nude but was very kind.

Wes and Parker had an awesome time watching the Bulls game until a naked dude came by looking for his wallet. Just goes to show that anything can happen when you’re watching TV. The man used a camera to cover his privates.

1:51 PM - CH. 24 - KVCR2 - Untamed Gourmet and coach Todd

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“Watching TV requires a lot of discipline. You cannot go to the bathroom right now.” - Todd from FOD Data

These guys are watching a low budget cooking show which is pretty boring. But things got interesting when a man named Coach Todd from FOD’s Data Department came in and told them they might not be able to go to the bathroom for ten hours.

2:00 PM - CH. 28 - KVMD - Aging Backwards with Miranda Esmonde-White and chicken

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Good skin and good chicken!! Yum!!

The guys are getting a bit fatigued and the tension in the room is palpable. But we got them some chicken to make everyone feel more comfortable and more at home. A whole bucket, along with gravy, potatoes, and mac ‘n’ cheese. These are the foods of Mother’s Day.

2:10 PM - Ch. 30 KPXN - Ghost Whisperer and guitar

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TV is a little bit sweeter with the delicious licks from Wes’s guitar.

The magic of the show Ghost Whisperer inspired Wes to grab his guitar and start strumming. Not entirely sure what the show is about. It’s got a lot of soft colors in it.

2:13 PM - No time for Mom

Wes’s mom is texting him but Hallmark Holidays take second priority to epic FOD challenges such as watching 10 hours of TV. They invented Mother’s Day to sell greeting cards people!!

2:15 PM - CH. 34 KMEX - Spanish language smoothie commercial and we won’t let them pee

Remember, these guys agreed to watch TV for ten hours straight. We did not tell them they could leave to go to the bathroom. I don’t think we should be made to feel bad for refusing to let them leave the room to go to the bathroom.

2:30 PM - CH. 50 KOCE - Joe Bonamasssa and peeing

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Wes peeing.The bucket is metal and it made a lot of noise when the pee hit the bottom.

There is an old man playing guitar on PBS SO-Cal and we finally let the guys pee. They were pretty relieved, LOL. They peed.

2:40 PM - CH. 56 - KJLA - More Armando Montelongo programming

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Armando talks a big talk. The people at his phone centers cannot back it up.

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Once again, nothing useful from Armando.

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The guy on the commercial promised to make these guys rich from real estate. Another gasbag who can’t back up his word.

Armando has proven himself yet again as the king of TV. He is shutting it down. He staked out all the best channels and got right in the middle of them. Once again, though, the people he hires at his call centers are lagging!! Not. Doing. Great. The guys called them again looking for real estate advice and were jerked around and didn’t get anything useful at all. Armando: Next time your number comes up, don’t expect a call from Wes and Parker.

3:08 PM - CH. 70 QVCHD - Fashion and nice food

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The guys are visibly disturbed by QVC.

The guys are learning about fashion by watching QVC HD. While they’re doing it, we ordered nice food for everyone in the crew and shitty fast food for the guys. We’ve pretty much decided to wear them down because it’s even funnier to watch them watch bad TV when they’re kinda pissed off. They are not liking the QVC stuff.

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This is the nice food menu we’re ordering from. Healthy stuff in here, very delicious.

3:26 PM - CH. 73 - EVINE - Invicta Celebration Featuring Once Onlys

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These two people are the King and Queen of Television!!!

“You know what honey, go ahead to the park without me. I actually have to stay home and buy a watch off of TV.”

— Parker Seaman

This channel has the distinct honor of having the longest and hardest to understand title there is. I feel like it’s in another language but I can tell it isn’t. Maybe it was translated badly. Also, it’s crazy how many of these channels are for people who inexplicably shop through their TV.

3:38 - CH. 77 - SALE - BISSEL Clean infomercial

“Every other channel is an infomercial.”

— - Wes Schlagenhauf

The guys have hit a huge block of QVC-style infomercials that seems like it will be with them for the next few hours. These commercials are useful to maybe two people in the universe. Crazy.

4:25 PM - CH. 240 - HSN - Too Faced Cosmetics and the inescapable home shopping channels

We sped through a few channels to get to some channels that weren’t infomercials, and we ended up at the Home Shopping Network. Yikes. This is like being stuck in a terrifying tunnel where there are awful TV shows around every corner, and the worst part is we brought it upon ourselves by entering the tunnel (blindly buying many, many channels). But the guys are saying positive—what a couple of adorable boys.

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These channels are endless. We’re in hell.

5:10 PM - The halfway point!

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The guys have reached the halfway point after five hours and as a reward we got them the cake pictured above. Hooray!!

After five hours of watching all the channels on TV, our dudes are pretty beat. But there are so so so many channels left to get through. They’re passing the time by using the soundboard pictured below.

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This thing can do everything.

5:31 PM - CH. 247 - TBS: Big Bang Theory and other ways to spend money

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This is a commercial for University of Phoenix but the channel it’s on is playing The Big Bang Theory.

While watching TBS, the guys pitched on some other things they could’ve spend their money on instead of paying for overpriced cable packages. These things included funding short films for emerging artists and buying a gift for a friend. Pretty good ideas, I think.

5:37 PM - CH. 249 - Comedy Central and exhaustion

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Too sleepy to enjoy the comedy.

The guys have hit paydirt with the good channels. Unfortunately they are too tired and frustrated by 5+ hours of terrible cable shows to enjoy it. The lesson? Watching cable TV is perilous. Doesn’t help that the movie they’re playing on Comedy Central is Couples Retreat.

6:07 PM - CH. 258 - FXM - X-Men Origins: Wolverine

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Not ‘Saving Private Ryan.’

The guys hit upon a FX movie channel that looked like it was ‘Saving Private Ryan,’ a great flick. Turns out it was actually ‘X-Men Origins: Wolverine,’ which is bad. Too many cable channels, though this mixup was probably on Wes and Parker .

No Wes, you are not. This is the real deal.

6:39 PM - Visit from a party monkey

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This party monkey brought some beers and picked everybody’s energy up.Very. Chill.

Just when the guys were at their lowest, we sent in a monkey who loves to party to pick them back up. This monkey brought the beer and the fun. Pictured behind the monkey: more goddamn shopping channels. Are you kidding me, TV?

7:16 PM - Making a list of channels to keep

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This list is pretty short considering all the channels these dudes have seen so far.

These guys are trying to use their time productively. They made a list of all the channels they’ve seen so far that they would keep. The list is below.

  • NBA
  • Golf
  • TBS
  • History
  • “Movie stuff”

Not too many. Right now these guys are on OVTHD, Channel 274 and they’re watching Pride and Prejudice, and they do not like it.

7:38 PM - CH. 277 - TRAVHD - No Reservations

The guys liked this show because it is informational. These are a couple of fellahs who like to learn. However, once again, they’re a little too burnt out from watching hundreds of channels and hours of TV to enjoy Anthony Bourdain.

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2 Bummed 2 Like TV. You heard it here first.

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We gave them this food and they were not thankful at all. Not very cool. They wanted salad, and we said, enjoy the good life while you can.

8:08 PM - CH. 290 - DISNEY and massages

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These guys liked Disney but what they liked even more were the amazing massages they received from Alistair, pictured above.

The guys were clearly very tense so we sent in a professional masseur to relax them. With all the extra channels they have on TV, they got very stressed out because they had to get through so many. The insane cable package we pay for at FOD is shaving years off of their lives—it’s utterly tragic.

8:24 - CH. 295 - GAC - Flea Market Flip

“Anything you can possibly film, we’ll just make that a TV show!!”

— Parker Seaman

This quote is definitely true when watching Flea Market Flip. Our guys are burnt out but at least a little relaxed from their massages.

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A very chill dude, but not a fan of Flea Market Flip.

8:34 PM - CH. 327 - CMTHD - Cops Reloaded

Okay, this show can’t really be argued with. It’s buried pretty deep at the top but it is awesome.

“I wanna keep watching this forever. I love this show.”

— Wes Schlagenhauf
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“Cops. The gift that keeps on giving.” - Parker Seaman

9:00 - CH. 344 - SBN: Family Worship Sunday Service

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This woman from SBN actually looks pretty skeptical of God herself. Wonder what she’d say if she were here with Parker and Wes.

  • PARKER: What do they want us to say about this??
  • WES: I’ll say it right now. God doesn’t exist.

These are the specialty channels. They’re not for everyone.

9:05 - RFDTV - CH. 345 - America’s Heartland

RFDTV claims to be the premier channel of rural America. Apparently every region in America has its own channel now. TOO MANY!!

9:10 PM - CH. CSP 1 - Q & A

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Worst channel in the game. Take it from us.

CSPAN1: the ultimate low for the entire day. This is truly the most boring channel there is.

9:31 PM - CH. ?? - Vampire show

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Vampires are dead but they were brought back to life. That’s all you need to know about this show. This show sucks.

We’re reaching the home stretch and the guys are going nuts. Right now they are watching a Vampire show which is definitely a step in the right direction. But it’s still not great. It’s been a while since these dudes have seen a TV show they were familiar with—they are in the wasteland of the upper TV channels. FOD does not need these.

10:00 PM - MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!

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This is what success looks like.

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This is also what success looks like.

They did it. The guys watched TV for 10 hours straight with no breaks even to go to the bathroom. They were worn down into nothing, and built back up into heroes. We messed with them a lot by giving them a ton of junk food and by giving them massages that were actually terrible (I admit—I did the massages and I just poured a ton of oil on their back).

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These are just some of the memories that these two best friends made today. I think the pain and trauma they experienced at the hands of too much TV only made them stronger.

Below are some choice excerpts from the notebooks Wes and Parker kept during their journey.

  • “Rick’s Rare Coins is blowing it. No Twitter!!”
  • “TV is for old people!”
  • “Armando Will flip your home. Don’t trust him.”
  • “Too much butt on Keeping Up With The Kardashians!”
  • “Didn’t know I could make bandanas out of a shirt but I found out I can.”
  • “Why is EVERYONE being so MEAN??”
  • “I got an idea: NO MORE SHOWS ABOUT HITLER. WE GET IT. HE’S THE WORST.”
  • “The Sprout Channel has to go. I think I might kill myself soon.”
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A day well spent. Sprout Channel: the ball is in your court.

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