Celebrities See All


Quick Links

24 Funny Votes
2 Die Votes
Published August 06, 2011

Today, I got the galleys for the DSM-5 in a pdf.   To some it's a bible, to me it's a dating checklist...to pursue one's partner of a lifetime.   It could just be my inattentive type ADD or severe peanut allergy... point is... I always fall for crazy girls... especially when they present any comorbidity of: neurodevelopmental disorders, ADHD (soul mate!), Bipolar, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Hypersexual Disorder, Pyromania, Oppositional Defiant Disorder, Separation Anxiety Disorder, GAD, Social Anxiety Disorder, Kleptomania, Personality Disorder, Intermittent Explosive Disorder, Addictive Disorder, PTSD....and/or Schizophrenia Spectrum (preferably catatonic or paranoid types... I'm a sucker for tall blondes, 5'8'' +, 115 lbs, brown eyes, American, Ukrainian, or British.... please.... just have brown eyes... dirty blonde hair is ok, dark brunette, or even bleached with 40 vol. developer in foil, whatever...  you win....  but...  please be crazy -- you know -- government issued FM receivers installed in your left premolars @ 20 and 21...crazy.... continuously receiving UTC time clicks and secret assassination orders all scrambled into a 5 meter single side band frequency, specially designed just for you... squelched only with thorazine, effexor, mirtazapine, klonopin, red bull, and of course two footballs of xanax... poor thing, she actually thinks she caused the Challenger to explode after being tricked into typing the launch code for a surface to air missile into a GTE pay-phone's touch tone keypad while simultaneously squeezing the plastic orange hand pump on the tongue of her Reebok's.....sheer catastrophy... I try to convince her of reality,  It's impossible, see, she was born in 1990...(which makes her, how old? I might be 33 but I get the younger girls) and the best part... pointing out she wasn't alive during the Challenger explosion, that sends her spiraling into physical violence.  And I love it when tall, skinny, beautiful, woman, with brown eyes go bonkers, smack me, and cut me with their nails.... all while trying to buy some Arrowhead waters at 7-11... humiliation is key.... it's just empowering, makes my soul feel alive... does it for me every time, this is like... real man shit, like going hunting, shooting a deer, and strapping its bleeding carcass to your bumper, or taking a cold bath, in dry ice.  You might mistake me as a masochist, not true [See FN1].

* * *

[FN1]: So when you sit there with your nice, mentally stable girl...from the good religious family, oh yeah and her parents hate you, and you're drinking ice water with her, from mason jars, that rest on "cute" coasters... next to the tea candles she bought from Walgreen's, resting on that piece of shit Ikea coffee table (I'm sorry but someone has to say it.... that shit went out of style before Sweden was inhabited (What's that, AD 100?)... real furniture is made of solid wood... typically oak...am I right? ....buy a real fucking coffee table... or just kill yourself... nm \ so then you have to watch a bluray she rented from netflix... (Sucker Punch, are you out of your fucking mind...terrible movie, don't feel bad I saw it at the movie theater with some crazy blind girl, yeah it's not a typo, I said "blind" ...see I don't have to worry that she'll ever read this, and frankly even if she could, I'm just being honest).....it's ok, I understand... I get it... but when you're doing all this boring stuff... and the highlight of your week is that appetizer at Chili's or prime rib at Outback..., you're fucked!   Maintaining that car you hate, you gotta work 60 hours a week so u can afford that BMW so that u can impress your colleagues and bosses with that false image so that you don't get fired, so you can continue working 60 hours a week with them, so that you can continue to afford a BMW..... and you gotta maintain those kids you loved.... well..... you loved them until they turned 11... heartbreaking pangs.... but now they 're a bunch of assholes huh? Your shitty children.  They hate you because they grasp the concept of lower middle class despair and you're the dickhead that put them there.....(god forbid they ever understand 3,000 kids died of malaria today, right? it's all relative isn't it... selfish American losers)....  Not cutting it in this world, are ya? kids and mommy want something more than a single family condo, dad's 2003 5-series, and mom's rusty 1994 vtech Accord... kids in Congo just want some clean water?  If it's not one thing, it's the other, right?  Endless cycle.  Aahh that resentment pulsating through your arteries.....draining back into your heart through your veins.... laying in bed, right hand folded over your heart... hope this isn't the beat that sends you to the defibrillator, right? Cardiac Arrest, be careful, you got that slight addiction to hydrocodone and booze... (occasionally some blow, but just once every six months when you shoot pool) your wife doesn't know? are you sure? maybe she just wants you to die twenty years before her.... trust me, she's got an escape plan...  what's yours?  Hopefully your escape isn't structured such that you waste incredible amounts of time searching for internet porn (grateful you are, of course, of the newer 'private browsing' features..... this saves you time from having to clear the cache... god bless your naive wife's Christian heart, what if she discovered you're into porn depicting 19 year old girls from Santa Monica Community College). Your sex life is long gone, so...? Considering an affair.... but who's it going to be with? You kinda let your body go... big time... so all you're going to score is an obese gal that works for Waste Management.... like the one that services garbage trucks all day, refilling the propane operated ones.... hot.  You could pay for sex though, if you want a hottie.  Maybe a quick trip to South America... exploit young women in poverty.... alleviate some of that frustration... it's capitalism... and you believe in it.... makes you feel like Christopher Columbus... even though you blew a load in 38 seconds, your 260 lb hairy body, pasty white, smothering her with bad breath, ck cologne, sweat, and just spooning that 100 pound 24 year old's sweet olive skinned perfection, what a complete mismatch, dude, you just raped all of Argentina, (and I think somewhere I just dry heaved on that one...) thanks to the WTO, and it all takes place on some dirty, blood stained mattress in a hostel, where you're twice the age of everyone else around, and throughout this night, no matter how disgusted you feel inside, that's enough anesthesia to hold you over a few more years... you can hang in there with this shitty life and on the flight back North, you are still shaking and sweating out all the alcohol, but can't wait to share details with all your creepy work buddies...and your drug dealer.... it's your therapy, and this is happy hour, dark beers are BOGO...  but now you're back..."the states...." refreshed, and as long as you buy your wife some jewelry from Zales... she won't get Socratic on you about that four day "business” trip (dude I just vomited all over myself...I can't believe she puts up with you buying her jewelry from Zales...and that rusty Accord, that's the funniest, low maintenance thing I've ever heard...for a woman, she's a little "confused" I think if your enemies wanted to punish you, they'd get her on Tiffany's direct mailer...then you're fucked).... and yeah we all know your repressed anger is vented primarily through political discussions you have with your immediate relatives and those poor children of yours that you're basically holding hostage... obviously your wife would never listen to your shit.....unless it's about getting a raise.... but anyway... you're on the up and up with the political climate because somehow your dumb ass, who can't achieve anything greater than a quotidian lower middle class life, yet votes Republican, knows how the world works, and what's right and what's wrong... and the constitution says this, the federal reserve means this, Freemasons are this, Illuminati is that, Israel is this, Russia is that, China is that, India is this, inalienable rights say one thing...civil rights mean this, patriots are this, bill of rights means this, founding fathers were extraordinary men that knew the end all be all form of government, kind of like Jesus, Obama is doing x wrong, debt ceiling means this, tax breaks mean that, Mary Tyler Moore, why wasn't I born when you were hot, abortion means this, race means that, sexuality is this, marriage is that, my religion is better than that one, Matt Drudge nailed Jesus @ the Four Seasons Miami, marijuana is some kind of medicine (this is when psychotic lapses begin....you've really lost it), everything is parsed into either good or evil... "good" is primarily a function of what your wife says are societal norms because you have no fucking backbone....family functions waste away into anxiety prone rants where you have a catharsis about how everything sucks and everyone else is so fucking stupid... especially you'll complain about the one family member who isn't there right now.... she'll never know... backstabbing gets the blood running a bit. heh, why not? You spend most of your Sunday complaining about how bad the waitress was at I-Hop and how Denny's uses way too much butter on their eggs.  You're hung up on how you only tipped her 10% because you had to actually ask for a refill of coffee.  This sentiment will obsessively carry over to the water-cooler at your shitty job on Monday....it's wrecked your entire Sunday, hey something had to ...seriously... that's fucked up... right?  Anyways, you run out of cash by Monday.... shit... overdrafts... 35$ fee assessed, 6 of them..... should have had breakfast at home instead of I-Hop....but you hate cereal and you're lactose intolerant....subconsciously it's there, in your gut... this sucks... no more money.... how could you possibly enjoy anything until you procure more....... everyone begins to fight... maybe the parents will loan you 200$ to get by until Friday........... nobody else will listen to you when you're 45, right?  You're in debt $180,000.00, this doesn't include the defaulted mortgage that was saved from foreclosure the first time, but this time that shit's gonna go.  Hey, you don't want free health care.   I dunno how you survive that existence... I can't... it's far too boring.... that's why I only date absolutely insane women that think the authorities are trying to capture them and hook them up to brain scans. They don't care about nice condos, annoying kids, stupid movies, or politics... and they're typically much hotter and more sexually incredible.   And all this action peaks when their blood sugar sky-rockets after eating grapes.  I'm in love.   And this life is incredible.  I do have my limits though, if you got a Somatoform disorder, Asperger's (no empathy, wtf?), OCD, gender dysphoria, (U 06 Transvestic Disorder proposed Rev. APA DSM-5), Pica, and/or Clinical Depression, keep that a secret, and leave me alone... because....even that's...that's just a bit too much.


From Around the Web