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July 25, 2008


* DENTON — A five-year-old boy walked out of the Imagination Station Childcare Center undetected. He then crossed a busy street, stopped at a gas station, purchasing soda and snacks. And then headed over to Hooters.

Sources close to the boy say, "Sometimes a kid can get flat out sick of using their imagination. You know what I'm sayin'?"

Sources close to the babysitters who apparently were asleep on the job say, "If he wanted milk, he should have just asked for it. There was no reason for him to run off to Hooters on his own in search of it."

Sources close to his father say, "That's-a-my-boy!"

Sources close to his mother say, "He's a pig, just like his father! Just goes there for the wings, my ass!"

* SACRAMENTO —  California became the first state to ban trans fats from restaurant food. This comes following a new government survey, naming Mississippi, Alabama and Tennessee as the fattest states in the nation.

Sources close to Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger who signed the legislation, say, "In Californeea, we have so manee beeaches. We can't have belly blubba oozing all ova, falling out of swimzuits. Dat would be terr-a-blee dizgusting."

* MILWAUKEE —  A Milwaukee man was accused of shooting his lawn mower because it wouldn't start.

Sources close to 56-yr-old Keith Walendowski say, "He fought the lawn, and the lawn won, but that was last week."

Sources close to the mower's attorney, Kermit the Frog says, "Clearly this was a hate crime. It's not easy being green."

* WASHINGTON —  Finally, 16 years after Mattel's Barbie declared, "Math class is tough!" girls are proving that when it comes to math, they are just as tough as boys. The study, reported in a science journal, explains girls who are raised to believe they can, will. While other girls, who are told they will never make anything of themselves usually don't.

Sources close to one mathematically accelerated girl say, "My mom always taught me, as long as I have one of these (pointing to her private parts) I can have as many of those (pointing to a nearby boy's privates) as I want. It's basic mathematics, people."

* WASHINGTON —  Tomato farmers may have lost an entire season of profits, but the Centers for Disease Control and The Food and Drug Administration, have finally admitted, tomatoes were not the cause of the salmonella outbreak. The FDA and CDC have pinpointed Jalapeno peppers grown in Mexico as the culprit.

Sources close to my flaming poopchute, say, "Thanks a lot CDC and FDA!"

Sources close to tomato farmers say, "We lost all of our crop and profits, suffering major loss because some filthy hot pepper jumped the border like a Mexican jumping bean? This is just more proof that we need better border control in this country."

You may have been exposed to tainted peppers if you experience, vomiting with the feeling of a fire-breathing dragon living in your throat, the sensation of Juan Valdes pouring coffee for, Menudo, Los Lobos, and Julio Iglesias, while they have a bonfire with el s'moreos in your corn-hole. If you experience one or more of these symptoms, contact your doctor rápido.