Mr. J.P. Trabler
13 Duke BLVD
NY, NY 10001
Clifford Ainsley, Director of Quality Assurance
Rowland Power Tools, LLC.
1 Drill Bit Lane
Cleveland, OH 44101
Dear Mr. Trabler,
It is not everyday we here at Rowland Power Tools, LLC. take the time to personally hand-type and mail a reply to a complaint letter, but it is not everyday we receive such vivid and colorful tidings from one of our consumers. It is not everyday our eyes get to peruse the magnificent verbosity of one valued shopper such as yourself.
Now don’t let this language immediately confuse you, sir. We do, in fact, respond to each complaint with the dignity and care of a company that loves its customers. We take pride in our timely and just dealings with respect to our complaint department, but I must say that when one of our clerks opened your letter, she quickly burst into tears, and scurried into the parking lot, where she hid under her car for quite some time. That is not of your concern, though.
We are here to deal with the “inherently evil shit-spawn of Satan’s dick,” or as we call it here at Rowland, the R501 Impact Driver. Now, in our dealings with the R501 (we’ve had it field tested for two years before it ever went into full production, and even had it consumer marketed – judged in front of a jury of your peers – and it passed with excellent grades) we’ve never had issue with water damage, mostly because the packaging that contains this product, in huge letters and in no uncertain terms, decries the use of water as anathema. The exact verbiage does not escape me, being, as I am, Director of Quality Assurance: DO NOT USE NEAR WATER, DO NOT GET WET, DO NOT EVEN THINK ABOUT WATER. The last part I made up for effect. But I think you get the message. Or do you? I’ve assumed this whole time that you could read, when perhaps that is a silly road to take. I will continue on it anyway.
“Where do you get off hawking a piece of fucking trash like this on the open market when you know it’s as worthless as an organ donation from a leper? For Shit’s sake, get a fucking clue!”
Do you recall that? You ended your fourth paragraph with that little button and I’ve decided to answer some of these questions, because, to be fair, they are good questions. We get off “hawking fucking trash” like this, because we here at Rowland believe these are good “pieces of fucking trash.”
We “hawk” them because we believe in them. That yours had an issue is more of a matter of interpretation. For instance, the way one might interpret the warning “DO NOT USE NEAR WATER” could very easily influence how they might interpret our dilemma here, wouldn’t you say? Also, we “hawk” these on the “open market” because we are a legitimate business and feel no need to seek other markets, such as the “black” one or any other such moniker that would imply it is anything less than officially authorized. We prefer the legal way of proceeding here, of course. Much less paperwork. We are, again, making the brave presumption that you understand the fundamental difference between illegal and legal in this case; and, for that matter, what “open market” even means.
We believe our products hold a value, even after the initial purchase, much higher than any organ a leper might be willing to donate, but would certainly cede that another human’s life is worth more than a power tool, even one of our fine products. That you seem to disagree isn’t quite relevant to our conversation, but you should have it checked out by a medical professional, anyway. Furthermore, the objects in question and their attendant prices just aren’t comparable due to the vastly different function each serves. We are comparing apples to oranges, one might say, or power tools to diseased organs, as is your preferred analogy.
We here at Rowland are always trying to “get a fucking clue” regardless of whether it’s for “shit’s sake” or someone else’s. Our Research And Development arm is one of the best in the hardware industry and “getting a fucking clue” is what they are paid to do. They are the men and women who not only think of the newest and best “pieces of fucking trash” but also come up with ways to best design everything from our hammers to our “evil shit-spawns of Satan’s dicks” and screwdrivers.
At Rowland Power Tools, LLC., we are not “shyster sons of bitches.” Every one of our crack team has been properly vetted and background checked and has passed the rigors Rowland has imposed on them to bring you, our consumer, the very best product and customer support. Our mothers are all above reproach, as well. Of that you can be sure.
Our R501 Impact Driver can be used for many, many things. If you were to look at the box—which I’m sure you didn’t—before shredding it like an infant—which I’m sure you did—you would have seen a long and varied list of the versatile skills the R501 brings to the table: Drilling, screw-driving, hammering; circular-, jig-, chop-, miter-, table- and reciprocating- sawing, plane-ing, wrenching, grinding of the bench, angle and die varieties; shearing, nibbling, sanding, routing and many more gerunds pertaining to the destroying of and/or fixing of wooden things. That you chose to fix your pool siding with it is something I regret. Mostly because you mentioned that you failed to empty the pool first, but also because that’s just not one of the over FIFTY things you can do with this tool. What did you even think would happen? No matter.
Perhaps it’s none of my business but by your return address label, I could point you to some adult literacy classes in your area to bolster what I would consider a glaring if not mortal weakness. I would do that for you.
On behalf of Rowland and myself, we feel very saddened that your pool’s demise was met while you were clutching the rugged and industrious R501, but we are even more saddened by America’s state of affairs when someone like you is willingly and affordably provided access to dangerous items such as power tools or even a fork. We can offer you nothing but the solace that we care about you and want you to get help. We will not be replacing your “piece of fucking trash,” but we do cordially invite you to go buy a product made by one of our competitors “whose products obviously bend ours over and savagely rape their very souls” or dare I suggest replacing your lost one with a new Rowland “limp-dicked, pig-fucking excuse for a machine.” Whatever you decide, Rowland is right behind you.
“Shyster son of a bitch,”
Director of Quality Assurance
Rowland Power Tools, LLC.