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My name is Arnold Palmer. No relation to the golfer or the lemonade guy. No relation to anyone, actually, so I have decided to become the world’s first male nun. Why not just spread His word another way, you ask, like selling Bibles? I used to be a Bible salesman actually, but I sold very few and the commission was terrible. My arms always hurt. Also, a guy pointed out to me that most people get their Bibles for free now, by stealing them from hotels. Major benefits, too. It would be cool to live in an Abbey, get free food, work flexible hours, none of that hassle of choosing your wardrobe every day.


This is why I’d be good candidate to become a male nun. I can / would do all of these things very well:

Slapping a ruler: C’mon, you don’t think rulers just exist to draw straight lines, do you? They are also designed to keep you IN line. I would break fingers if I ever had a ruler. Then, the kids at that school would learn not to color outside the lines or draw uneven lines on a bar graph or whatever. It’s a fitting punishment that keeps kids in line, straightly.

Being on a bus: As a boy, I was pretty bad at basketball. Whenever I would take a shot on net, the others would yell “NUNS ON A BUS!” and it would distract me and I would miss. But I would take inspiration from a negative situation, and turn it into a positive one. Most nuns don’t travel on buses, because most abbeys have person buses that take nuns from abbey to abbey. So I’d be the rare nun to travel on a public commuter bus. I would literally be a nun on a bus. It would be distracting, but it would be a nice, light-hearted distraction from the stresses of middle-class working life.

Helping a penguin’s love life: I would travel to the North or South Pole, I forget which one, and dressed in my habit, make a male penguin fall in love with me. We’d have a candlelit dinner. It would have to be at a restaurant, though, because candle light would probably burn down his house. Also, how often do you get to take a penguin to a restaurant? Sadly, before things went too far, I would reveal to him that I was not a statuesque female penguin, but actually, an average-height male nun. Most penguins mate for life, so if he is down in the dumps, thinking he’ll never find anyone as special as me again, I would tell him, “No! Don’t you see? You can be the penguin who changes all that!” He’d be richer for the experience, and this would inspire him to find an even better penguin for the rebound. I wish him luck.

Nun puns: I love making puns, and there are many good ones you could make as a nun. While having a candlelit dinner with my penguin friend, a waiter could offer me more wine, and I would say, “Nun for me, thanks”. It works better written down, however, I trust he’d get the joke. If I accidentally washed my red Scarface t-shirt in the same load as my habit, and the white part of the habit turned pink, I could turn to the other people at the Laundromat and say “I guess old habits dye hard!”

Being a guest on TV shows: I’d book a part on the reality series “Downton Abbey”, because I’d work in an abbey, and that show is about Abbeys. Then, I would book a part on “Yo Gabba Gabba”, and perform at a segment called “Yo Abbey Gabba” in which I teach children about religion and life as a nun. I’d forgo a salary for that one, because I’m happy just to do it for the kids.

Being a wingman: As a male nun, I’d be a great wingman. Girls would flock to me, because obviously it is unusual to see a male nun in a club. But when girls hit on me, I would be like, “Sorry. I’m taken. Her name is God. God is a woman by the way,” and although they’d still be really into me, I would introduce a friend of mine to them, and he would get with all these women instead of me, because they would settle for second best realizing they could never have me. No need to thank me, friends... Also, if I spread my arms while wearing my habit, I literally would be a wingman.

Joining in spontaneous moments of inspiration or triumph: You know that song that plays at the end of most movies when the underdog team wins? It’s by a band called Steam, and it goes, “Na na na na, na na na na na, hey hey hey, goodbye.” Well, that sort of sounds like “Nun nun nun nun, nun nun nun nun, hey hey hey, goodbye.” When the team is celebrating their victory, I would join in the celebration and large group hug, and people would flip out because it would be so awesome to a see a nun at a football or a hockey game. A nun would be a good mascot for a sports team at any rate. The Pittsburgh Penguin looks like one. 

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