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December 23, 2015
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Forgot someone on your list? Luckily you have a 24-hour pass to the greatest store on earth: your body!

Uh-oh, it’s December 23rd and you’ve still got one (or a few!) names left on your lists. Don’t panic! You have the greatest present store in the world all around you. Your body! Your body produces many, many gifts every day and, unlike plastics manufactured in third world countries, products from your body cannot make you or anyone else sick. So here are 7 last minute gifts you can make with your body that will please anyone on your list!

A Sponge
Hair clothing is cool but a little first thought. Nothing says, “I forgot to shop for you,” quite like mittens woven from the hair you scraped out of your bathroom drain. But a hair sponge? That’ll blow everyone away. Just gather all the hair you can and mash it together in your hands for hours. Drive over it with your car until its matted real hard. That’s a sponge now.

Contact Solution
Nothing’s more annoying that running out of saline contact solution, not even death. Gather your tears in a small glass vial - tears are 100% as sterile as store bought contact solution and 10 times as thoughtful.

A Baby
You’re female, 9 months pregnant and forgot to get your cousin a present? Induce labor and give them your baby. Bonus points: dress the baby up like Jesus to make literally everyone laugh. Make sure to write “Non-returnable” on your baby’s foot.

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Technically this is re-gifting but I’ll never tell ;)

Carbon for Their Soda Stream
Your best friend has a Soda Stream (or will soon, probably) and needs to refill that carbon. Exhale into the same brown paper bag all day and then give them all that carbon. They will never stop thanking you.

A ‘Get Out Of Jail Free’ Card
This only works if you don’t do drugs. Give a loved one a small vial of your CLEAN urine for beating drugs tests.

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Fill'er up!

Fake Blood
Fill a Mason jar with your real blood and label it “Fake Blood”.This will come in so handy next Halloween. And, shh, they never have to know it’s real!

An IOU for one body part
Yeah, no one likes gift certificates. But a gift certificate to the best store in the world, your body? That’s cool. Decorate a beautiful card and inside let them know that if they ever need a single kidney or part of a liver, they can hand you that card. Within 24 hours you will have that none vital organ on their doorstep, no questions asked.

Hope that helps all your last minute shoppers! Remember, your body is a temple and it’s open for business. Merry Christmas!

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