Dear Ronald Artest,
Or should I now say, “Metta World Peace”? Oh, brother. You really crapped the bed on that one, eh? Changing your name to “Metta World Peace” after being most famous for your career move of “jumping into the stands to attack a man”, then, in attempt to reinvent your image, elbowing a man really hard in the face. Good one, Metta! More like ... “Never Metta Man Who’s Less PC”. Zing. Makes me feel good that a nickname I was trying on in 2006 never really caught. “Tolerant Mel”. Timing is everything in this business, you’ll learn that.
You know though, all things considering, your breakdown wasn’t all that bad. You elbowed another athlete in the face. So what? In Australia, that’s pretty tame, mate. Expected even. You know what we call getting elbowed in the face in Australia? Rugby. The greatest sport in the world.
I’m just here to help you mate, offering a little bit of free advice on how you can avoid a downward spiral. You’ve made a few small missteps, but I think we can manage to avoid turning this into a big old cluster-funk. We all learn from our mistakes. If you want to pay me money for this advice, though, I wouldn’t mind that. Because, you know, owning Malibu ain’t cheap.
1. DO NOT GO DRUNK DRIVING. I cannot stress this enough, Metta. If you are caught drunk-driving they take a terribly embarrassing photo of you. Avoid drugs as well, at least half an hour before getting into a car. I’m serious: it doesn’t matter what, just avoid it. Cocaine, Ambien, Prozac, speed, smack, meth, valium, Xanax, children’s Motrin , strawberry-flavored, or this new Australian drug called Kanga-ri-doos that will blow your mind- just DO NOT get caught with it. If you are on uppers or downers, the only thing you are qualified to drive is a roller coaster.
2. AVOID PUBLIC CONFRONTATION. Are you at a bar? Wrong. You shouldn’t be or people will say that you’re a drunk. But on the off chance you are, and let’s face it, you are, look around. Are there any priests or rabbis there? If so, leave. Why, you ask? You just might be in the set-up for an elaborate joke. At your expense!
3. MAKE A COMEBACK MOVIE. Have you seen “Steel”? What about “Kazaam”? I know that movies starring basketball players are notorious for being universally beloved, but to make a basketball reference, you really got hit it out of the park on this one, mate. Actually, can I be in this with you? Haven’t really been in a lot since I said all that Jew stuff... that’s another thing. Try your best not to annoy them, because, ah, they run Hollywood. I didn’t really think that one through. You have to apologize to them every once in a while, even if you really don’t want to. I know it’s a pain, mate, but it’s gotta be done.
Alright, how’s this for the comeback vehicle: You and I play two easy irritable cops that are decommissioned from the force and decide to solve the same crimes by taking matters into our own hands. I distract criminals with my handsomeness, and then you elbow them in the face. Movie’s called “Elbow Grease”.
Or, how’s this one? You play a young stallion from the wrong side of the tracks that is too cool for school, who’s always going around, mouthing off to teachers, elbowing people in the face, et cetera. I put on a wig and play an Australian gal who’s a new exchange student. The movie’s called “Elbow Grease”. It’s a remake of the movie “Grease”.
There you have it. In just seven to nine short years, the public will be ready to embrace you as a beloved figure again. Maybe not you, though, but me, for sure. I was once named Sexiest Man Alive by People magazine, do you remember that?