Full Credits

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April 22, 2012

Fingers crossed that these three famous Titanic scenes play out more like this, when I watch them in 3D.



2D version:
Wearing nothing but a cheetah robe, Rose strips down and gives Jack a dime to “draw her like one of his French girls” (i.e., nude). Jack tries to play it cool while he sketches, but he’s sweating enough to give away that he’s definitely hiding a semi under his sketchbook. He finally completes his masterpiece and Rose loves it. Then they hear Cal coming from the other room so they run away to safety.

My Hopeful 3D version:
Rose gets naked on the couch and Jack begins to draw her. I, sitting in the theatre audience, notice that little piece of hair that keeps getting in his eyes. It seems to be bothering him, so I reach out and simply brush it away. This breaks Jack’s concentration, and he looks directly at me.

“Thank you. I kept trying to shake it away with my head but it kept falling back.”

“I know.”

“Do… do I know you? You look familiar.”

“I’m Sara,” I say. “I might look familiar because I’ve been watching you since you won that hand at poker.”

“Wow, stalk much?” he jokes. I smile. He’s got such a good sense of humor.

“Well I can’t take my eyes off you.” He reaches out to caress my face. I’ve had whatever-the-female-equivalent-of-blue-balls-is for this guy since 1997, so his touch feels [there is no word to describe its perfection].

I stand up from my seat so he can get a really good look at me in my black spaghetti strap dress. Jack breaks one of the straps off of it, á la Tom Cruise inJerry Maguire. I giggle adorably, just like Rene Zelewiger did. He helps me unzip the back and step out of it. The audience is totally whispering about my public nakedness, but Jack and I are so mesmerized by each other, we don’t hear it.

“Now draw me like one of your French girls, Jack.”

Rose is all annoyed, “JACK. I’M OVER HERE JACK HELLOOOOO?!” He looks back at her laid out on the couch, suddenly finding her naked positioning desperate and unattractive. He crumbles up her drawing and she gasps as he chucks it towards the trashcan. He makes it in the basket because he’s perfect.

He starts drawing me. I can’t believe it’s actually happening. A few minutes later he turns the paper around and shows me a gorgeous, figure-flattering sketch of me. I blush when I read the message he added next to his signature that says: “I WANT YOU. I NEED YOU. I LOVE YOU.”

I jump into the screen and we do it against Cal’s safe. And it’s magnificent.


2D version:
Doomed to the water, Jack leads Rose to a wooden headboard he’s found floating around (that miraculously, nobody claimed while he left it to find her in what is literally a sea of people). They both try to get on it, but Jack slips. A gentleman, he remains submerged in the water so Rose can have the headboard. He tells her she’s going to die an old lady warm in her bed. Next, he dies. Then as she’s letting him go, she tells him she’ll never let him go. (It sounds dumb but it’s actually quite moving.)

My Hopeful 3D version:
“I need you to swim, Rose!” Jack screams. At this point, I’ve been watching for a while so I’m on the edge of my seat. This is it. I know he’ll die on me again if I don’t do something – but what? She gets on the headboard and he holds her hand from the water. I lean over to my friend sitting next to me and whisper, “WHY DID HE ONLY TRY ONCE? THERE IS PLENTY OF ROOM ON THAT HEADBOARD. HE SHOULD TRY AGAIN.” Suddenly, the music switches from that Celine Dion shit to the heroic melody found in super hero movies. Could it be?

He heard me.

He demands that Rose scoot over. “Move your ass, are you trying to kill me?!” he shouts at her. Finally he manages to balance himself on the board with her. He turns and looks at me. I’m crying because like I said, it’s a pretty moving scene.

“Thank you. You saved my life,” he says to me as if I’m the only one there.

“Who are you?”

“I’m Sara, Jack. And I saved you because I love you.”

Rose is barely conscious and singing ‘Come Josephine’ to herself. For the next few hours before the rescue boat arrives, Jack and I have THE BEST conversation. We learn about each other and can’t believe how much we have in common. We both want to travel, we both love to cuddle, and we agree that if you order a steak anything more than medium rare, you don’t know shit about shit.

“I’ve always wanted to go to Wisconsin,” I say. Sure it’s a lie, but c’mon you guys – he’s gorgeous.

“Come visit me and my family there.”

Our amazing conversation continues until we’re interrupted by the rescue boat.

“UMM HELLO WHO IS THAT GIRL, JACK?!” I see him flinch at the annoying squeak in Rose’s voice. He just ignores her as they both swim to the life boat.

Safe and rescued and finally settled in NYC, Jack and Rose start fighting like crazy. Turns out, that ten bucks in his pocket and all that “nothing” he has to offer her isn’t such a romantic turn-on in the land of Burberry and Louis Vutton. He’s relieved when she tells him she’s leaving him for some Wall Street type, and he moves back to Wisconsin to be with his family.

I try to play it cool like I’m busy when he calls me to visit, but I hop on a bus immediately.

When I get there, we do it on the grass by that lake where he fell through the ice once as a kid. And it’s magnificent.


2D version:
Jack and Rose are on the run from Cal’s security. They find a car in steerage and hide inside it. He jokingly asks her where she wants to go in the car, and she says the stars. Then they get naked. We don’t see much but we know it’s hot and heavy because of the steamy handprint on the windshield. They pillow talk for a bit and escape before security thinks to check for them in the car’s backseat.

My Hopeful 3D version:
Jack asks Rose if she’s nervous and she whispers no. They start making out and I watch them from my seat in the shadows, real creepy like. I wait for it and, bam, there it is: her handprint smeared on the window. Looks like things are wrapping up.

They lay for a while, catching their breath. It’s pretty steamy and kinda gross smelling but I don’t say anything. Instead, I reach out to the steamy windshield and use my finger to write a message: SHE’S NOT RIGHT FOR YOU.

He looks up and reads my words. “Are you crazy? She’s perfect.”

I write more on the steamy windshield: ROSE = HERPES. (I know this isn’t true but need I remind you – he’s gorgeous.)

“What’s herpes?” he ignorantly asks. Awww.


He smiles. “I really love your handwriting.”


THANKS. I REALLY LOVE YOUR FACE, I scribble on the window.

For the first time, he looks at me. “Wow. I love your face too.”

WHAT ABOUT HER? I draw an arrow towards Rose, asleep from her orgasm.

“Why don’t you let me worry about her.”

“But you love her,” I utter quietly, as not to wake her.

Jack rolls his eyes, “Um. No. I loved the mystery of her. But now that I’ve sacked her, I’m bored.”

I can’t believe what I’m hearing. “What?! You’re supposed to be a perfect country boy… you sound like any random asshole from the city.”

Jack smirks, “Well why do you think I’m on a ship headed for the city? So many lonely, desperate chicks – like Ruby here.”

“Her name is Rose.”


This cannot be the Jack Dawson I’ve pined over for the last 15 years. This can’t be the guy I’ve compared every boyfriend I’ve ever had to, and inevitably dumped because he doesn’t hold a candle to Jack’s charisma, his big heart, his taste for adventure.

“So you just… played her?”

“She’s just some rich bitch, what do you care? Hey, give me your number and I’ll call you when I get to the city.”

I stand up from my theatre seat and dramatically slap Jack across the face. “I HOPE YOU DROWN ON THIS SHIP!” I scream as I grab my things and run out of the theatre.

As the door shuts behind me, I can hear Jack yelling, “Die?! It’s an unsinkable ship, you dumb bitch!”

I stop for a silent moment outside to mourn the loss of the ideal man who I have loved for half of my life. I should have known he was too good to be true. I take a deep breath and do something I never thought I would do – I let him go. I solemnly accept the reality of who he really is and finally, I am free of Jack Dawson.  No more comparing a fictional character to a real human man trying to date me. Suddenly, I am… I can’t believe I’m able to say it … I am emotionally available.

Wait a minute…

I run back into the theatre and give him my number. If he comes to NYC, I bet I can change him. Because guys are super easy to change. And then we’ll do it all over Manhattan. And it will be magnificent.