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August 13, 2011

A few decidedly untrue facts about the newest entry into the 2012 clown race.

Actor Ernest “McHale’s Navy” Borgnine is Rick Perry’s biological father.

As with all the men in his family, each of Perry’s arms can be stretched to a length of seven feet.

Rick Perry’s ancestors built the state of Texas with their bare hands, forging it out of limestone, shale and cow pies.

In high school the future governor of Texas injured his left eye playing baseball, but he soldiered his way through the rest of the season anyway, wearing a black eyepatch that earned him his high school nickname, “The Bat Pirate.”

Perry has the entire King James Bible memorized and can quote it word-for-word. He can also do this with Shakespeare’s As You Like It, Steinbeck’s East of Eden and the owner’s manual for three types of John Deere lawn tractors.

Rick Perry likes to chug-a-lug motor oil straight from the can.

In the early eighties Rick Perry racked up high scores on the arcade games Centipede and Missile Command that have yet to be bested.

When serving in the Air Force in the 1970s, Rick Perry was unable to find a flight suit that fit him correctly, so he flew wearing standard fatigue trousers instead. This is how he earned his service nickname, “The Trouser Pilot.”

Rick Perry is the first person to mess with Texas and win.

After a diplomatic junket to Iceland in 2002, Governor Perry confided to friends that he had an “eye-opening experience” and has since professed a belief in the existence of elves.

Through a longtime agreement between the state of Texas and Rick Perry’s family cattle business, Perry earns 9 cents from every steak sold in the state, 18 cents for every hamburger sold and a whopping 99 cents for every Aquaman comic book sold in Texas.

Perry’s patriotic neighbors used to compete with one another to see who could fly the biggest flag, and Perry’ gigantic flag always won. This earned him the neighborhood nickname, “The Big Flag.”

The Governor refuses to have a microwave oven in his house. They remind him of his favorite pet cat, who disappeared under mysterious circumstances in 1992.

Rick Perry once directed the Texas Rangers to break both of comedian Rip Taylor’s legs. His reasons are unknown.

Rick Perry is the inspiration for the character played by Burt Reynolds in the SMOKEY AND THE BANDIT trilogy.

Rick Perry is related to Sam Houston, Jeb Stuart and the Easter Bunny through his mother.

Governor Perry’s hair has veto power over any legislation passed by the Texas legislature that is related to barbers, personal grooming and the pharmaceutical industry.

Carrot Top is Rick Perry’s best friend.

Perry’s favorite movie is THE HUMAN TORNADO starring his hero, Rudy Ray “Dolomite” Moore. In the 70s he permed his hair into an afro, spoke in rhyme and asked his friends to call him “Count Rick.”

Perry sold newspapers to make ends meet while in college.

This earned  him his college nickname, “closeted homosexual who enjoys anal sex with other men who are also gay."