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May 27, 2015

That one Super Soaker commercial from 1991 or maybe 1992 to be turned into 8-picture feature film cinematic universe.

Warner Brothers chief executive Ruben Secretariat this morning announced plans to adapt that one Super Soaker commercial from 1991 into a 3-picture franchise.

“We’ve been trying to hammer out the details on this deal for a while, but Warner Brothers is excited and exceedingly proud to announce that it’s official: we’ll be bringing that one squirt gun commercial from 30 years ago to the big screen! There’s still a long way to go, but rest assured thatthis beloved property is in good hands. Frankly, we just can’t wait to seethese movies!”

The commercials, which ran in 1991 - or maybe 1992, nobody can really remember – star Brown Haired Kid, who squirts his friend The Girl in the back and then she laughs and squirts Brown Haired Kid in the face. The piece ends with Brown Haired Kid saying “No fair!” although fan blogs are already rife with speculation as to whether the original story will be kept intact.

Although not yet official, a source close to Warner Brothers tells us several stars are already attached, including Disney heartthrob Socrates Blagojevich and internet superstar Ashleigh Friend,who made her name through her YouTube channel where she crumples up junk mail and throws it away. Nobody has ever seen her face. And Kathy Bates as “Mom.”

The script, to be penned by Slap Bracelet: The Movie writing team John Wayne Kurtz & Howard X. Furby Jr., is set to be directed by David Schwimmer.

Executive producing will be Rinald Tor, who is also the head architect of the sequels and the series of 5 other ancillary films set for production that will fill in the cinematic universe. He is 11 ½.

Following is a rough release date for the three Super Soaker Commercial franchise movies and the other films that will make up the 1991 super soaker commercial universe:

2017: That One Super Soaker Commercial From 1991 or Maybe 1992: Part 1

2019: That One Super Soaker Commercial From 1991 or Maybe 1992: Part 2: No Fair!

2020: Those Little Green Water Ballons That Are Supposed to Look Like Grenades

2021: The Commercial For that Race Car Track That Your Mom Never Got you

2022: Pogs. Fuck You. Pogs

2023: That One Super Soaker Commercial From 1991 or Maybe 1992: Part 3: Mom’s Revenge

2024: Slap bracelets? Is that what you want? Seriously?

2030: That One Super Soaker Commercial From 1991: Part 1, again!: The Re-imagining