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Published July 13, 2010
RPS_new_draft_II.SCW

   

  FADE IN:

  INT. HOUSE - DAY

  AMBER (35), dressed business like, closes the front door 
  behind her.

     AMBER
    I'm home.

  Silence.

  Puzzled, she places a stack of MAIL on a side table in the 
  entry.

     AMBER
    Dane? Jimmy -- mommy's home.

  Still silence.

     AMBER
    Hello?

  IN THE HALLWAY

  Amber pauses to listen. Strange SOUNDS come from the master 
  bedroom. She reaches for the door.

  IN THE MASTER BEDROOM

  The door opens revealing a timid Amber. She peers into the 
  room, then her face turns red with anger.

     AMBER
    Dane!

  A startled DANE (29) quickly covers his naked body with a 
  sheet. JUANITA (21), also covered, looks down -- sensing an 
  incredibly awkward moment.

     AMBER
    What the...

     DANE
    Honey, I know this looks bad, but I 
    can explain.

     AMBER
    Explain what? You're screwing another 
    woman in our bed!

     DANE
    I know.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
          2.


     AMBER
    What could you possibly say that 
    would justify that?

     DANE
    Just calm down, I can --

     AMBER
    Where's Jimmy?

     DANE
    In his room.

  Amber paces the room, getting more angry with each second.

     AMBER
    In his... You're fucking a slut while 
    your son is in the other room!?

     DANE
    He's fine. He's watching Wonder 
    Pets.

     AMBER
    Wonder Pets!

     DANE
    And Juanita isn't a slut. She's a 
    very nice girl once you get to know 
    her.

     AMBER
    Juanita!? You're cheating on me 
    with a whore named Juanita?

     DANE
    I thought you liked Mexicans.

  EXT. HOUSE - DAY

  Amber flees the house with her purse in hand. Dane, wrapped 
  in a sheet, follows on her heels.

     DANE
    Sugar plum, wait -- don't leave. 
    Let's talk about this.

     AMBER
    Talk about what? It's over Dane -- 
    over!

     DANE
    Let me explain. 

  She crosses to her car, opens the door, tosses her purse 
  inside, and --

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
          3.


     DANE
    I have a condition.

  stops cold. 

     AMBER
    What?

  EARL (30s), a neighbor working under a car parked on the 
  street, peers over the curb to get a better view of the 
  action.

  Amber crosses back to the front yard.

     AMBER
    What was that?

  Dane looks down, humiliated.

     DANE
    It's a medical condition.

     AMBER
    Bullshit.

     DANE
    It's true.

     AMBER
    Let me guess -- insanity? You're 
    pleading insanity for screwing another 
    woman? How choice.

     DANE
    It's R.P.S.

     AMBER
    What?

  Earl listens with interest.

     DANE
    R.P.S. -- Restless Penis Syndrome.

     AMBER
    Restless...?

     DANE
    Penis Syndrome.

  Earl nods his head sympathetically.

     AMBER
    What the hell is that?

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
4.


DANE
It's like Restless Leg Syndrome...
only different.

AMBER
You are so full of shit.

She moves back to her car, as Dane follows.

DANE
No, it's true -- it's true. I have
Restless Penis Syndrome. I've had
it most of my life, I just didn't
know it. Doctor Johnson diagnosed
it for me just last month.

AMBER
Doctor Johnson? How ironic.

DANE
He's the new physician at the medical
center. He's a specialist.

Amber reaches the car and opens the door.

DANE
He said ninety percent of males have
it.

AMBER
And what about the other ten percent,
huh? What about them?

DANE
They represent the homosexual
population. The disease is more
common among heterosexuals.

AMBER
You expect me to believe that?

EARL (O.S.)
It's true.

Amber and Dane turn to see Earl roll from under the the car.

DANE
Hey, Earl.

Earl waves, revealing his grease-stained hands.

EARL
I couldn't help but overhear...

An awkward beat, until --

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
5.


EARL
I have Restless Penis Syndrome, too.

AMBER
You guys are so pathetic.

DANE
No, honey -- it's true. Google it.
There are millions of men across the
globe who have this debilitating
disease.

AMBER
You expect me to believe that?

DANE
More and more men are coming out
everyday. Stone Phillips, Anderson
Cooper, Larry King --

EARL
Jude Law.

DANE
Eliot Spitzer.

EARL
Jesse James.

DANE
Tiger Woods.

EARL
And that former NBA star --

DANE
Which one?

EARL
You know, they did a spread on him
in Maxim.

DANE
Shawn Kemp -- yeah, I heard about
that. Played for Seattle.

EARL
One of the best dunkers ever.

AMBER
You guys are fucking sick!

DANE
Baby, it's true! It's true. As
hard it is to believe, I have Restless
Penis Syndrome.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
6.


Just then Juanita exits the home, clearly dressed as a working
girl.

AMBER
What the...? She's a hooker?

DANE
Hey now, don't call her that. She's
a trained technician. Highly skilled
in these sort of things.

AMBER
Bullshit! She's a fucking hooker!

JUANTIA
Escort, bitch.

AMBER
What, you want a piece of me?

DANE
Doctor Johnson referred her to me.

AMBER
Doctor Johnson is a quack!

DANE
I have a prescription. I'll prove
it to you. It's in the house.

Dane hurries back to the house as Amber and Juantia start
going at each other.

LATER

Dane emerges from the home with a prescription in hand.

Tires SCREECH as Juantia speeds away in an 80s Camero. Amber
follows the car on foot.

AMBER
If I see you fucking my husband in
my bed again I'll kill you, bitch!
Comprende?

LATER

Dane shows Amber his prescription.

DANE
(reading)
For extreme R.P.S., two to three
sessions a day with member of the
opposite sex.

She's not buying it.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
7.


DANE
And then hot and cold compress at
night to control swelling.

AMBER
Where does it say you can screw
someone other than your wife?

DANE
Honey, I'd love to make love to you --
honest. But you work all day.

AMBER
Yeah, supporting your sorry ass.

DANE
I need treatment. If I don't get my
prescribed sessions each day, it
could kill me.

EARL (O.S.)
It's true.

DANE
It's a secret killer --

EARL (O.S.)
A quiet killer.

AMBER
I so want to be a lesbian right now.

DANE
If you're willing to step up and
help out more with my treatment,
then yeah -- but if not...

AMBER
You are a sick twisted fuck, you
know that?

DANE
Hey, I'm doing this for us -- for
us! You think it's easy living with
a restless penis!?

Amber rushes back to the home.

DANE
It's needs to be touched -- daily.

AMBER
Touch yourself.

DANE
I can't. It doesn't work that way.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
8.


AMBER
I'm taking Jimmy with me.

Dane rushes to follow.

EXT. HOUSE - DAY

Amber flees the home with JIMMY (3) in her arms.

DANE
Honey, wait... Don't do this.

She turns back and gives him a look that could kill.

AMBER
You did this. You and your miserable,
pathetic, little dick.

Amber puts Jimmy in the car as Earl approaches to console
Dane.

JIMMY
Mommy, where are we going?

AMBER
We're going to Nanna's house.

JIMMY
Is daddy coming?

AMBER
No. Your daddy is sick and can't be
near us.

JIMMY
What about daddy's friend? Is she
coming with us?

LATER

Amber drives off, with Dane, still draped in a sheet, in the
middle of the street.

DANE
Amber! Come back, we can work this
out. If Hillary Clinton deals with
it, why can't you?

It's no use. She's gone. Earl puts his arm around Dane.

EARL
Sorry, man.

DANE
Thanks.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
9.


EARL
Times will change. It won't be like
this forever. As more men are
diagnosed with Restless Penis
Syndrome, the walls of injustice
will fall. Then, and only then,
will society accept us for who we
really are.

DANE
A bunch of horny toads?

EARL
Yep.

FADE OUT:


THE END
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