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March 09, 2017

The Twist is a fine dance to break into for a casual event like a friend's party, but your standards for dancing on a burial plot should be higher than that.

As you know, there’s nothing better than dancing on the grave of a rival you’ve outlasted. But it’s important to be selective about which moves you bust out for the occasion. You wouldn’t want your final act of disrespect against the person who wronged you to come off hackneyed. The Twist, for instance, is a rather uninspired choice, and you can do better.

Once upon a time, the Twist would be my first pick for grave-dancing, but that ended October 14, 1994: the day Pulp Fiction came out. As soon as that iconic dance scene at Jack Rabbit Slims exploded into the zeitgeist, you could barely walk through a cemetery without seeing a dozen bitter cuckolds rotating their upper bodies in front of tombstones.

The Twist is a fine dance to break into casual event like a friend’s party, but your standards for dancing on a burial plot should be higher than that. It’s too important of a moment to make such a banal choice. This is a moment you want to get just right so that you can walk away feeling like you really settled the score with the smug son of a bitch who ruined your life. Let’s look into some other options, shall we?

First of all, anything with kicks is dangerous because you run the risk of accidentally knocking over their headstone with your foot. Remember, we’re not defacing graves here, which is wrong. We’re simply disrespecting the person inside it to convey how happy we are that they’ve died.

Speaking of “Happy,” bringing a boombox to play Pharrell’s iconic song is a nice touch, even if it’s admittedly a little on the nose. This is no time for subtlety.

The Lambada is a little sexual for my tastes, plus you have to involve a second person that may not even harbor a vendetta against the prick. This could cause their dancing to lack passion, unless of course, your partner for the steamy routine is their spouse, or daughter. That changes everything.

When I’m dancing on graves, I generally like to go with a medley that features old chestnuts like the Hand Jive with a few modern classics like the Shmoney Dance tossed in to keep it fresh for the deceased’s horrified kids.

Whichever dance you end up choosing, just make sure to rehearse it a few times before heading down to the cemetery. Having to watch a YouTube dance tutorial while standing on their burial plot hurts the vindictiveness of the gesture,and could run the risk of making your hate seem inauthentic.

Good luck out there!