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August 30, 2012

Breakdown of the new Stallone trailer


Time for Another Hollywood Defender Trailer Breakdown, so let's do it on this new Stallone trailer. DX Style. BREAK IT DOWN!
Cue Stallone narration.
Cue bullet penetrating Production company logos.
Cue Death of a partner.
Cue Asian guy replacement.
Cue Racist Line against Asian replacement, “What ya gonna do? Bring out some Kung-Fu from the homeland?”
Cue Asian Replacement kicking ass, then correcting Stallone on his racist assumption, “I was born in Florida.” 

(Asians are getting even more shit. This is the fourth action movie (Total Recall, Expendables 2, Premium Rush, and now Bullet to the Head) that is taking a big old poop on them. I get it putting an Asian in for overseas money, but do we have to make fun of them for being Asian, can't they just be Asian and it not be a big deal?)
Cue Stallone understanding and laughing.
Cue Friendship and Respect.
Cue Bad Guy Threats. Stallone being told off by helper bad guy Christian Slater. Remember when Slater was a lead bad guy... good times. 
Cue Do Anything attitude. Stallone Response: shooting Christian Slater in the face. Didn't think Slater would make it through the whole movie, thought he'd make it through the whole trailer. 
Cue Morality Argument by Asian Replacement against senseless killing.
Cue Stallone non-chalantly shrugging him off because Stallone lives in the real world, damn it.
Cue Familial Conflict. Stallone’s daughter being kidnapped. Why don’t people give Stallone shit for stealing the plot of Taken? Stop hating on Nicolas Cage. You heard me world, stop doing it, I won’t tolerate this insubordinance.
Cue “Hot Blooded” by Foreigner from the 80s.
Cue me thinking that Stallone still only has a tape deck.
Cue Generational conflict. Asian guy making fun of Stallone for music choice. 
Cue Me thinking that Stallone thinks, "He's a Foreigner, he should like this." 
Cue More Generational Conflict. Stallone didn’t know they don’t make records anymore. (Sidenote: They do, it’s a hipster thing, which technically and ironically makes Stallone the cooler of the partners. Knew it!)
Cue Ax Fight, explosions, car chases, gun fights. I can’t remember the last great Ax fight I saw.
Cue Stallone final line and life philosophy.
Cue Bullet to the Head. 
The Hollywood Defender