Screen Shot 2015-06-09 at 3.16.20 PM.png

Is this an image of the escaped murderers, or is this their reflection in your computer monitor as they loom over your shoulder?

This past weekend, convicted murderers Richard Matt and David Sweat escaped from a maximum-security prison in upstate New York and remain at large. After this brazen jailbreak by two violent, homicidal criminals with nothing to lose, the question on everyone’s mind over the past few days is, quite naturally, “Are they hiding in my bedroom closet?”

Unfortunately, the answer to this question is, “Yes, definitely,” and there’s really nothing you can do to prevent them from jumping out of your bedroom closet in the middle of the night and stabbing you to death while you sleep.

Maybe you’re thinking, “I’ll check my bedroom closet before I go to bed, to make sure there are no escaped murderers in there.” Well, no one knows how they do it, but they somehow get in there right after you look — especially if you already made sure all the locks on your doors were secure and took other such precautions before turning in for the night.

But don’t panic just yet. Before you jump to the conclusion that these desperate, sociopathic men are in your home (they are), please review the following list of criteria that determine whether the escaped murderers are definitely, definitely hiding in your bedroom closet:

  • You live in the contiguous 48 states, or Alaska or Hawaii, or anywhere else
  • You have a bedroom closet, or, barring that, a bed under which the murderers can (and are) hide (hiding)
  • You are very, very scared of escaped murderers hiding in your closet
  • Sorry, they are definitely hiding in your bedroom closet

Sadly, as mentioned earlier, there are no measures you can take to prevent these cold-blooded killers from taking refuge in your bedroom closet and then springing out and murdering you in the dead of night — except for one. If you can manage to stay awake all night worrying about the two murderers that are definitely in your bedroom closet, just waiting for you to drop your guard so they can gruesomely dispatch you, then you might survive.

There is no explanation as to why this is the case, but somehow, not getting any sleep because you’re terrified of being murdered by killers who are on the lam and hiding in your bedroom closet is the only way to prevent them from jumping out of your bedroom closet and murdering you.

So put on a pot of coffee — it’s going to be a long night. We love you.

Advertisement