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May 31, 2016
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JoJo goes on her first dates and Chad, this season's villain, makes himself known by eating all the cold cuts and being a jerk to everyone around.

Below is a recap from The Bachelorette episode from 5-30-16, JoJo’s First Dates. Spoilers, obviously.

First off, I didn’t realize that JoJo spells her name with two capital J’s! Usually I don’t give a shit about the accuracy of these recaps, but JoJo deserves BOTH capital letters and she will get them from now on!

1. All These Dudes Look Alike

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From L to R: Same. Same. JoJo. Same. Same. Same. Same. Same. Same. Same. Same.

Dozens of men are dying to go out with JoJo and they all blend together into one bland dude. They are all boring with the same 5 o’clock shadow over a strong jaw line with slightly toussled hair.

One of the jaw lines is trying real hard to be this season’s villain and his name is Chad. He is pretty horrible right off the bat, but also kind of funny. Chad’s main beef is that the other guys seem like boys who have never met a beautiful woman. He said the guys haven’t dated a woman of JoJo’s caliber. Right Chad, women come in different calibers and they should be treated differently depending on their caliber. Chad is a guy who tied his suitcase to his waist to do pull ups. Chad uses protein shakes in his analogies. Chad is “meathead caliber”. What a douche.

Sound advice, Chad.

2. The Group Date Almost Kills a Dude

For the first group date, the guys have to do fireman drills in the heat. Like full on fireman gear, pulling hoses and putting out fires. Wells, a waifish dude, can’t handle the heat and almost faints. Which ends up working in his favor because JoJo went to his pale bedside to make sure he was alright.

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Once he recuperated, he gets thrown back in for a final challenge which was basically designed to get him to pass out again. Why would they make Wells exert himself again?? Let the poor guy rest. He ends up having a great sense of humor about it. He’s cute in a skinny way. He has a dog named Carl. He showed JoJo a picture of himself wearing a beanie. (Cut to the next day - he and two other guys are wearing beanies) Wells ends up getting the group date rose for being dehydrated.

3. Dorky Dudes Wrote a Song for JoJo

Back at the house, the dudes not on the date are writing a song for JoJo that basically just repeats her name over and over. The song itself is embarrassing, but the enthusiasm of the performance and the amount of high giving going on is really the worst.

4. Who’s Derek?

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JoJo picks Derek for her first one on one date and I straight up have never seen this dude and his teeth before.

They go on a date where they have to make decisions like “Sky or Sea” and “North or South”. They end up flying to San Francisco, drinking wine and kissing by the sea. I don’t get their connection at all. This date is boring and then they make out a little more.

5. The Forced ESPN Crossover

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For some reason, the second group date takes place at ESPN. I guess cause guys like sports? But then the bachelors play games that have little to do with sports and lots to do with being obsessed with marriage. Chad rolls his eyes through the whole thing, which I don’t disagree with, but he’s mostly just ragging on the basic premise of the show. He’s basically shitting on the other guys for participating in these cheesy games and acting like tools for the attention of a girl they don’t even know yet.

Cool way to impress a girl.

During the press conference challenge all the guys say that Chad would be a terrible choice for JoJo. When Chad gets to speak for himself he belittles the guys and aggressively convinces JoJo that he shouldn’t have to give her reasons that he likes her. Chad’s awful energy was coming through the TV and making me uncomfortable in my own living room. And guess what…JoJo loved it!

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“I like hearing you talk about how you don’t care about me.” -JoJo while getting negged by Chad

DAMN JOJO! Don’t make me uncapitalized the second J in your name. You better open your eyes. There are dozens of dudes there that are nice, don’t let the douchebag trick you. Shit. I did not expect this type of asshole blinder to be on JoJo.

6. Everyone Hates Chad and Chad Hates Them Right Back

Chad is basically taking over this episode and his confessionals are starting to be my favorite. One by one he picks apart each guy and explains why each one is bullshit.

James Taylor was someone’s high school boyfriend that they settled on.
Christian doesn’t know how to be sincere.
Adam is too short.

I’m not even doing him justice. He had an insult for everyone. He’s a roast comic.

Chad stops JoJo on her way into the rose ceremony and escorts her in arm and arm and the dudes can not handle it. Little Adam squeaks at Chad but Chad don’t give a fuck. It kind of ruled. Chad tells Adam, “Fuck you for real”. Chad describes it as being surrounded by the Care Bears.

Look, Chad is an asshole, but getting mad at him for getting time with JoJo? Come on. Anyone can walk outside and get an extra five minutes with her. So Chad makes it his mission for the rest of the night to keep interrupting other dudes and stealing her away.

When Chad doesn’t explode and punch King Care Bear in the face, the guys hammer him for eating a lot of food. You know what? That’s the one thing I could bond with Chad on. That food looks amazing!!!!! Fresh roast beef? Three kinds of hummus? I’ll share a cold cut plate with Chad. We could talk about Oklahoma Luxury real estate (what is that?) He straight up eats the rest of the episode. Even during the rose ceremony. Such a power move.


Some dudes went home. They look just like some other dudes that are still there. See you for TWO episodes (WHY) next week when Chad keeps bullying America’s most sensitive bachelors.

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