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Stats & Data

November 21, 2016

God gives HIs first interview ever and dishes on the facts of life.

For the first time in the history of creation God has decided to grant humanity an exclusive interview in regards to the pillow talk of existence . In keeping with that concept what you are about to read has never been heard before and directly reflects the imaginary, divine disposition of the Almighty. Enjoy.

Pat: Do midgets have kneecaps?

God: Yes, but they’re even less effective than their ankles. I was,after all, working mostly with spare parts. Adorable little things, though. Kind of like punctuation marks to the statement of civilization.

Pat: I see. So they’re just the leftovers from creation?

God: Waste not, want not. That’s what I always say. Well, that and God Bless You.

Pat: Like for when someone sneezes,right?

God: No, no, not exactly. Burps and farts also qualify. But, really you can say it for any occasion. I like to throw it out there as a salutation sometimes.

Pat: I get it. It’s a pretty versatile statement. You can use it basically whenever you feel it’s relevant.

God: Precisely. You can say it whenever you want. Well, except after a man ejaculates. That’s not exactly an appropriate time.

Pat: So you’re not a fan of the Roman Baptism?

God: Is that what that’s called? Jesus.

Pat: I know, right? Kids and their slang these days. Kind of makes you wonder where they come up with this stuff. Do you ever regret granting humanity free will?

God: For centuries it was never that big of a deal. You would have your regular rapes and murders, run of the mill misogyny, wars, etc. Nothing of any great concern. But then the damn Internet came about and all hell broke loose.

Jesus displaying his talent for miracles.

Pat: So rape and murder weren’t that big of a deal but the Internet is what made you regret granting humanity free will?

God: Have you ever witnessed a Mexican donkey show?

Pat: Point taken. So back to anatomy. Why do feet look so weird?

God: To be honest they were my first attempt at hands. I wasn’t crazy about the way they came out so I slapped them on your ankles and started over.

Pat: Is that right?

God: Sadly, yes. Don’t even get me started on the way your buttholes originally looked.

Pat: The Play-Doh Fun Factory comes to mind.

God: You’re not far off.

Pat: So are there any other regrettable body parts you came up with?

God: Not at all. Mankind was designed after my own likeness. Although, I’m not a huge fan of that stretchy portion of skin behind the elbow. The wenis, I believe you call it? It’s like a partial scrotum on your arm. Rather unfortunate but necessary.

Pat: I know what you mean. Mine stretches out like Walter Matthau’s jowls. How is he, by the way?

God: Oh, he’s well. He keeps us regularly entertained. He and that Jack Lemmon are always at it. But, really I shouldn’t be discussing that sort of thing without a Ouija board present.


Pat: Rules are rules, I suppose. So are we the only source of life you created in the universe or are there others like us?

God: Well, I could answer that question but then I’d have to kill you.

Pat: Fair enough. I have to admit you did a great job creating dogs. They’re pretty awesome.

God: I had to balance out the existence of cats.

Pat: Would you say you’re not a cat person?

God: I love all of my creations equally but lets just say if a cat is crossing the highway I don’t exactly nudge the truck out of its path.

Pat: Good to know. So have you ever intervened in the way things have played out down here on Earth?

God: That would sort of undermine the concept of free will. Although that being said I may have slipped a few prayer Percocets into Jesus before he got crucified.

Pat: Seems only fair. He’s supposed to be making another appearance sometime in the future, right?

God: He is, eventually. But trying to get kids to do anything these days is damn near impossible. Most times I’m just happy if his room is clean.

Pat: So Jesus has his own room in heaven?

God: He does, although if you asked him you’d think he runs the entire joint. But he’s my kid, so I have to love him. Well,that and the fact that I’m God.

Pat: It sounds like you two have a pretty good relationship. Is it hard being a single dad while monitoring all of creation?

God: That’s the beauty of omnipotence. It’s kind of like having a baby monitor in the next room except that room is everywhere and that baby is everyone.


Divinity can be lonely.

Pat: Interesting. Do you two ever do any father and son type stuff like have a catch?

God: We tried that once but Jesus wouldn’t stop turning the ball into a dove and it kept flying away. He found it hilarious. I was not as impressed.

Pat: I can see why. Well, that pretty much wraps up all of my questions for you, God. Is there anything you want to say before we end the interview?

God: Yes. It isn’t healthy the way you masturbate.

Pat: Like, the style or the frequency?

God: Both.

Pat: Damn it.

God: That’s what I’m saying.