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Stats & Data

November 24, 2008


Reading the paper today my Bovine Excrement Detector went off with a jingle-jangle alarm that just about broke my eardrums. I really enjoy how this wonderful piece of technology deciphers, translates and transposes what our loveable politicians say. Id like to give you an example of how this all works.

First lets look at the direct quotes from our newly elected leaders, from both Canada and the United States.

TORONTO STAR: Nov. 24th,

Quote from Steven Harper the newly elected Prime Minister of Canada.

The most recent private sector forecasts suggest the strong possibility of a technical recession the end of the year, the beginning of next.

And later:

This is a worrying development one of the reasons why it may well ne necessary to take unprecedented fiscal stimulus.

Then, later, President Obama was quoted as –supporting a $50 billion dollar Detroit bail-out plan.  In fact, Senior White House Advisor, David Axelrod, said We all have a stake in the survival and the prosperity of the auto industry.

Well, well, well the Bovine Excrement Detector went into high gear, first pumping out these translations and definitions.

Private Sector Forecast: A bunch of rich guys who make predictions so that little guys like us invest in their companies, and not unlike a WEATHER FORECAST, the accuracy of their prediction is just as unreliable.

Technical Recession: As apposed to a non-technical recession, this recession is caused by the screwed up technology we have, where computers crunch numbers at lightning speed and even kids in daycare are apprised of the ins and outs of every blip in the economy. No wonder the financial world bobs up and down, around and over like an out of control roller coaster. We the people keep buying the freakintickets.

Unprecedented Fiscal Stimulus Spend, spend, spend, spend, spend in a manner that has never before been seen in order stimulate economic growth. The detector would rather us refer to this as FECAL stimulus, because were all going to pot anyway. Flush those dollars down, boys!

Stake: Youre gonna pay through the nose sucker!

But the beauty of the Bovine Excrement Detector is that it synthesizes, analyses and then spits out a laymans summary of every bit of the BS that has been spewed out for the day. I offer this transcript to you for your perusal.

Harper, Obama, Axelrod et al – TRANSLATION AND REPORT

Were gonna spend a shitload of your money, folks. Well, maybe its not your money yet because actually, were going to have to borrow it from someone else. But well use your future taxes, your kids future taxes and your grandkids future taxes as collateral. Yes, indeed, if you feel like you cant spend the little money you have now, well gladly spend it for you. Go ahead and be conservative financially, because well put money into places you wouldnt dream of investing in and well support bad management decisions, too. And, the money you might be sheltering now –dont worry be happy- well snatch it away in the very near future. As for debt load, dont even think about it, because the governments debt load makes yours look like chicken shit. Have faith in deficit financing because like your teenage daughter often says to you, Everybody s doing it! Fellow citizens we have everything to gain (because crap doesnt run up hill) and nothing to lose (because we have nothing left). After all, good citizens, weve got 700 billion dollars to blow –and its freakin Christmas!  

Stay tuned, because I plan to let the B.E.D. keep track of the news as this blog goes forward.