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January 16, 2018

"I deserve a second chance and also everything else."

Hey Internet,

I know you have been mad at me lately for my lack of judgment in posting a video of someone who had killed themselves with the seemingly selfish motivation of knowing that it would get a lot of views, but hear me out: I deserve a second chance, and also I deserve everything that I want.

My reasoning here is simple: I want a second chance, and so far in life I have gotten everything that I wanted, so this leads me to believe that therefore wanting something and deserving something are the same thing. That makes sense to you, right?
I was born into a family and a part of the world and in a time in history that all led to me being able to make a living by being something called a “vlogger.” The universe doesn’t line up like that for someone just by chance. It means that I deserve it. So don’t you think that also means that the universe thinks that I deserve a second chance? Who are you to disagree with the universe?

As I posted on January 1st on Twitter, this is a first for me. Facing a modicum of adversity? Being criticized rather than overwhelmingly adulated? Being loathed instead of lauded? No thank you. It feels unpleasant to have people not like you. Personally I prefer being liked. It is more pleasant. Therefore, for reasons stated above, I’m pretty sure that only feeling pleasant things all the time is what I deserve.

My vlogs have been viewed over 2.88 billion times. Brands (like, large corporations presumably run by adults) pay me $150,000 to post something on Facebook and they pay me $80,000 to post something on Instagram. Does it seem to you like I am living in a universe where I do not deserve things? No. I live in a universe that has told me often and repeatedly that I deserve everything. I am 22 years old.

The universe gave me a job where I mash up Oreos with the Cash Me Outside girl:

That video has 27 million views, which earns me tens of thousands of dollars in ad revenue alone. What lesson other than I’m awesome and deserving of everything am I supposed to be taking from this?

Do I pretend to know why I deserve so much when others deserve so little? I do not. All I know is that I want/deserve a second chance. I mean, did you know that I actually got more subscribers after this lil’ suicide controversy? It’s true. What lesson am I supposed to learn from that other than that when push comes to shove there are no consequences for my actions and that I am some sort of golden god with big muscles and cool hair whose job is to post silly videos with my friends?

Don’t be mad at me. Be mad at the universe. Because either we live in a world that is ultimately random and meaningless where karma is not a thing and actions have no bearing on what shall be given unto thee by the larger forces at work … or I deserve a second chance. You decide.

I love everyone (so long as everyone loves me back). Peace.

ps - my apology video is one of my most popular videos of all time, so don’t be surprised when I ask for a third chance after my next lapse in judgment.