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April 13, 2011

Put down that low-fat recipe book and lose calories the fast way.

When serving ice cream, instead of heaping scoops in a bowl, spread a thin layer of it on a heavy sheet of paper.

Play a practical joke on yourself by ordering a plain dough pizza. When it arrives, laugh and toss it in the trash.

To discourage overconsumption, make your own hand-woven Rice Chex.

Pretend you are a performance artist engaged in an ongoing work of mock eating.

To work off those extra meaty calories, kill your own bacon.

Revoke your membership in the Cheese Wheel of the Week Club.

When serving spaghetti, use peeled radishes infused with brown food coloring in place of meatballs.

To cut back on your tostada intake, try using 9-inch circular sandpaper pieces instead of tortillas.

Plan to be on a non-stop coast-to-coast domestic flight during all major mealtimes.

If you found these tips useful, be sure to check out my ‘screamingly funny’ sci-fi parody Space Command and the Planets of Doom: http://amzn.to/g2SLsq