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December 12, 2012

Brian writes monologue jokes every day. “This is one of those days,” to misquote Fred Durst. You can find more at http://brianunderstands.tumblr.com and tell him he’s a muffin on Twitter @BrianLisi. Thank you.

In discussing gay marriage, Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia asked, “If we cannot have moral feelings against or objections to homosexuality, can we have it against anything?” Adding, "That's not a rhetorical question. I honestly don't know what to do ever since a Republican left the White House."

House Speaker John Boehner accused Obama of "slow walking" the process of resolving the fiscal cliff. In Obama's defense, he might just be doing a really smooth victory dance.

As part of Obamacare, companies will soon be charged $63 per employee to help insurance companies cover the cost of people with pre-existing conditions. In related news, employees will soon be charged $63.

10,000 people gathered in the capital of Michigan to protest a new law that wouldn't require union workers to pay union dues. A law that must be making Jimmy Hofffa spin in his moon grave.

On Tuesday, an asteroid got so close to our planet that the Earth cast a shadow on it. But then the Earth started ignoring it because our planet is frightened by intimacy.

Meanwhile, another, larger asteroid is expected to pass within 4 million miles of Earth on Wednesday. To put that distance in perspective, imagine something that won't affect anyone.

Delta Airlines wants to purchase 49 percent of Virgin Atlantic. Said Delta, "We want the Virgin part."

The Treasury is selling its remaining shares in AIG, making a total profit of $22.7 billion. Which they'll set aside for when AIG needs it again.

Karl Rove appeared on Fox News this week after a 27-day absence. He didn't mention the absence nor if that was his own blood on his shirt.

Mali's prime minister has been arrested by the military, the country's second coup in 12 months. Said the prime minister, "Hey, still better than what Mitt Romney got!" 

Costa Rica has officially banned hunting for sport. Said one sport hunter, "I will catch a basketball game with you one day, Patrick Ewing. One day."

A former star of "Storage Wars" claims the reality show was faked by the network. Because the only real way to make money off sorting through trash is being a reality show producer.