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October 05, 2015

8 Things You Might Have Missed From NFL Week 4

1. Dolphins fire head coach Joe Philbin, who has been riding the Millennium Wheel by himself, silently, curled up in the fetal position for the last 24 hours.


After losing their third straight game of the season to the Jets in London, the Dolphins broke the news to Philibin that he was fired. Presumably comforted by the perpetual rising and falling of the famous Ferris Wheel on the River Thames, mirroring his own life’s successes and failures, Philbin got on, told the British carny to “start ‘er up!” and has refused to get out or give anyone else a turn since.

Much like the Millennium Wheel in London, the Dolphins continue to part of the NFL landscape that everyone knows exists but also something that everyone assumes is broken and not worth learning about or getting excited for.

2. Martellus Bennett compared Jay Cutler to Jesus because Bennet tells all his sins to Jay Cutler.

“People tell their sins to Jesus. I tell my sins to Jay Cutler. Ipso facto, Jay Cutler is like Jesus. Two guys who listen to sins and do awesome stuff. WHY IS THIS SO HARD FOR YOU ALL TO UNDERSTAND!?” continued Bennett.

Cutler gets a kick out of hearing Bennett’s relatively minor transgressions before going out drinking for the night and smoking cigarettes, then putting the cigarettes out in his beer, and then drinking the same beer. And not even as a weird showing-off thing for his bros. He just does it without laughing or wincing or thinking it’s unusual at all.

3. Two kickers got fired, 30 left to go!


Tampa Bay fired their kicker Kyle Brindza two days after the Steelers fired Josh Scobee, which means we’re 30 fired kickers away from a kicker-less NFL! Can you imagine? No more boring one-pointers, ALL TWO-POINTERS! No more NOT going for it on fourth and short! No more little guys with tiny butts stalking the sidelines, hogging all the Gatorade and the best spots near the space heater. Sebastian Janikowski can stay, though. He drinks beer. He’s cool.

4. Matt Hasselbeck started at QB for Colts in otherwise uninteresting game against Jaguars, just to remind everyone how incredibly bald he is.


Matt Hasselbeck is the oldest QB to play in the NFL this year. He is also incredibly bald. Look at how bald he is! I mean, we all have bald relatives, friends, maybe even bald spouses, but Hasselbeck looks a full degree balder than any bald person I’ve ever seen. It’s like his face from eyebrows down is deceivingly that of a fully non-bald person, if that makes sense. But eyebrows up it’s like: BOOM! That’s a lotta bald! He’s damn handsome, though. Damn bald, but damn handsome.

5. Drew Brees scores 400th touchdown. Here’s a rundown of Brees’ most memorable TD passes over the years.


2006: Brees takes the snap, unaware that the cuff of his pants is stuck on the center’s belt, drops back and walks straight out of his pants, then throws a 30-yard strike to a streaking receiver in the end zone in nothing but his tighty whitie underwear.

2008: Brees runs out onto the field to start the first drive “in the zone” and without remembering to put his pants on before the game. He then orchestrates a 12-play, 82-yard drive, capped off with a five-yard naked bootleg to the tight end. It’s not until he gets back to the sideline and realizes that his wiener is hanging out of the hole in his boxers (he started wearing boxers in ’07) that he remembers to put his pants on for the rest of the game.

2010: Super Bowl XLIV, Brees takes a five-step drop and throws a 15-yard slant into the end zone hitting Pierre Thomas, who lost his pants when an opposing cornerback pulled them off trying to contain Thomas’ superior speed. The 2009/10 Saints were so good.

2013: Under pressure from the blitz, Brees breaks a few tackles and gets out of the pocket but somewhere in the process got the ball stuck in his pants so he rips his pants off and throws the ball, pants and all, 28 yards to Marques Colston in the end zone.

6. Eagles’ RB DeMarco Murray doesn’t believe he’s getting the ball enough but does believe jet fuel can melt steel beams, so why in the world should we trust this guy’s opinion?


As the reigning Offensive Player of the Year, Murray only got eight carries for 36 yards in a demoralizing loss to the Washington Redskins. After multiple weeks of getting very few touches, Murray expressed his displeasure with how little he was being utilized but failed to admit that the heat from burning jet fuel is not enough to melt steel beams. Plain and simple. Murray had literally NOTHING to say about this. I asked him directly: “It’s a scientific fact. You couldn’t possibly think you are above believing scientific fact, DeMarco, could you?! It’s 2015, get with the program!” as I was being dragged out of the locker room foaming at the mouth.

So, really, Murray doesn’t exactly deserve to have his opinion regarded with any weight whatsoever.

7. Hard Knocks stars, the Houston Texans, fall to 1-3 and fear being overlooked at the Emmy’s.


America fell in love with the Houston Texans during training camp on HBO’s airing of Hard Knocks, but their recent slide into football mediocrity seriously hurts their chances of cleaning up on Emmy Night. Sure, they’ll be nominated, but we all know that J.J. Watt will NOT be happy with a simple nomination. He wants to win (Emmys) and he won’t stop lifting weights, running stairs, or ripping quarterbacks’ heads off until he is a shoe in to win (an Emmy).

8. Trump endorses use of “Redskins” as Washington football’s nickname but has a big problem with “Panthers.”


Trump joined fellow Republican presidential nominee Jeb Bush in voicing his approval of the racist Washington football nickname. Trump added how he thought that if any team should change their nickname it should be the Carolina Panthers because panthers are “sneaky,” “slithery,” and they “think they’re so smart.”

Trump actually decided to comment on a few more NFL mascots while he was at it.
Vikings: “Love it. Now those were some good Americans, the Vikings!”
Saints: “Losers. You have to die to be a saint and dying is for weak LOSERS.”
Lions: “Lions are kind of a gay animal, right? I always thought so, with that frilly neck hair…”
Falcons: “I LOVE this one, the wallcons. Walls are important to keep cons out of America and IN jails! Walls walls walls, I could talk about walls all day — what? FAL-cons? Leave this press conference.”
Browns: “Reminds me of poop. You know … turds. Or chocolate. I eat both.”