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November 21, 2016

Wake up and smell the scorched earth!

‘The Earliest Show,’ the only morning program where you can get get caught up on today’s news while watching two people slowly lose their grasp on their own sanity, is back and if you couldn’t tell from all the birds he’s flipping, Josh is still reeling from his on-air break-up with his girlfriend Emily.

Josh’s newest dance move: ‘The Single Finger Salute’

You wouldn’t think that a man wearing that loud of a suit could be so utterly empty inside, but don’t be fooled! These four moments prove that if Josh can’t have happiness, he’ll go HAM to make sure that no one can!

1. Josh calls out ‘The Earliest Show’ for having the journalistic integrity of a Snapple cap.

It’s another day, another retraction at TES! Josh and Sam have to walk back yesterday’s headline about a woman who gave birth to twelve babies at once. Turns out she just had twins! If you ask me, the birth of any child is still a breathtaking miracle, but I guess Josh is pretty steamed up because they were off by a little over a baseball team.


Josh realizing that with with every story about guitar-playing dolphins, the Pulitzer slips farther and farther away.

I remember when Josh used to read the morning headlines like he was opening a Christmas gift from a weird aunt: he’d put on a big smile even though he knew he’d probably have to take it all back later. But I guess he’s so emotionally raw right now that he can’t even fake it through “you only have to see a dentist twice in your life” and “rainbows were invented.” Some of that might be true! I never see a dentist and my gums only bleed when I brush, eat, or breathe!

At least Josh is still going through the motions of dancing: angry, stab-y motions…

2. Josh lays into the “Kitty Cam,” which at this point is really the bedrock of the show.

Through all the ups and downs, the hope and the heartbreak, the joy and the anger we’ve seen on TES, the one thing viewers could always count on is a live stream of Sam’s cat, Nancy, dressed up in different human clothes. Honestly, it’s been reassuring to know that no matter how much Josh chose to expose us to his rapidly deteriorating personal life, we could always cut away to a live shot of a cat wearing a pencil skirt and a stylish, but sensible blouse.


You don’t have to squint to see us, Josh. Kitty Cam Nation is here. We are loud and we are proud!

But apparently, Josh doesn’t think that the “Kitty Cam” is cool anymore?! (Uh, Try telling that to the Kitty Cam’s number one fan on social media, @CattitudeDude.) Josh doesn’t even think that Nancy likes wearing human clothes. I know we can’t ask her what she thinks, but if Nancy isn’t trying to claw Sam’s eyeballs straight out of her skull or suffocate her while she sleeps, then we gotta take it as a “yes.”

3. Josh almost gets in a fight with TES’s special celebrity guest… Jake Johnson!

When Josh finds out that Jake Johnson is married, he takes it as a deeply personal attack.

Josh’s “triggers” are any reference to a happy and healthy relationship.

We all know that feeling after a break-up when you feel like you’re constantly surrounded by happy couples, or when you’re drunk and it feels like somehow everybody around you has pizza except for you, but Josh lets his emotions get the best of him and things very nearly get physical.

Nearly the most bloodshed on a talk show since Ellen got into that brawl with all those Vine teens.

Violence is never the answer, but here’s a couple quick reasons why a fist fight with Jake Johnson is a particularly bad idea for Josh:

1. Jake Johnson is currently sporting a very bold mustache, which I believe makes him magically stronger, scientists be damned.


The mustache in question: all hair, no sharpie, baby.

2. It’s probably not good for ratings if your host has both his heart and his jaw broken on-air in the same week.

3. ‘New Girl’ has a very devoted following with a strong social media presence. Josh would be getting trolled with Zooey Deschanel GIFs all day long.

4. Josh exposes the seedy underbelly of “Monumental Makeover.”

Style expert Janice Crawl is trying to pretend that she’s totally transformed some guy named Bert Donaldson inside and out, but all she’s really done is stick him in a brown leather jacket and a fedora.

The catwalk of a man who knows he’s dressed like the “cool” professor.

Josh knows that the emperor wears no clothes. Or he does wear clothes, they just make him look like Indiana Jones working as a barista in Brooklyn.

Janice says she’d totally go out with Bert now that he looks like a bearded Gap mannequin, but Josh calls her bluff and we all find out the hard way that Janice gave Bert the number to a pizza place.


Do I smell romance? Or do I smell two two-toppings pizzas for $11.95?!

And if that wasn’t cruel enough, Burt doesn’t even get to keep the wardrobe that would be the envy of any man going through a mid-life crisis.

Good money says we see those clothes on “Kitty Cam” very, very soon.