For reasons unknown to everyone but myself, I’ve spent the better part of the last nine months stalking Hollywood film actor, Val Kilmer. Here are ten things I have learned.
1) In person, Val Kilmer looks noticeably older and more bloated than he did in 1986’s Top Gun.
We can scrap this whole, “The camera adds 10 lbs” business, because wow, after following Val these past few months,I found the complete opposite to be true.
2) Val Kilmer is not very romantic.
If ever you find yourself breaking into Val’s flat to sprinkle trinkets and rose pedals about his bedroom, just know that he will not show any kind of appreciation for the gesture whatsoever, and will probably call the police.
3) Val Kilmer hates his family.
This was baffling to me, but few things seem to irk Val more than when you arbitrarily send him an envelope filled with close-range polaroid pictures you’ve taken of his family.
4) Val Kilmer doesn’t have great situational awareness at night.
For the most part, Val minds his surroundings nicely, but when the sun goes down, all bets are off. Come nighttime, it’s almost comical how easy it is to creep up behind Val and sniff the back of his neck.
5) Val Kilmer has enough hair.
Or so it seems, because he became incredibly standoffish when he opened that Ziploc bag filled with mine.
6) Val Kilmer is not very festive around the holiday season.
If you’ve ever wondered whether or not you could successfully outrun a police dog, try breaking into Val’s bedroom on the night of December 24th dressed as the Ghost Of Christmas Past.
7) Val Kilmer’s never seen Silence Of The Lambs,or if he has, he wouldn’t recognize a good Buffalo Bill impression if one leapt up and bit him in the you-know-what.
Rehearsing your routine in his bedroom while he sleeps helps, but nothing quite prepares you for the real show.
8) Val Kilmer cannot afford a proper bodyguard at this time.
Instead, Val chooses to protect himself by carrying an unlicensed pistol at all times; although thankfully, one he’s not entirely sure how to fire.
9) Deep down, Val Kilmer really does love his fans.
He’ll even let some of them sleep over, provided they bring their own sleeping bag and he’s completely unaware that they’re there.
10) Val Kilmer, for whatever reason, seems to now always believe that someone or something is monitoring his every movement.
This was the only thing that was even remotely egotistical about Val, an otherwise standup guy.