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June 03, 2008


You know how I know I'm a patriot? I put "America" in the title of my song.

You see, it's called, "America." And while I wrote it, I was wearing my trusty flag pin. And while I applied the pointy ol' mini red, white and blue to my Walmart bought lapel, I listened to Francis Scott Key's ode to that Spangled Star Banner.

As if all this weren't enough, for good measure, Lee Greenwood bathed me in American tap water before I did a darn thing. Just so I could get that U.S.A. patina all over my body. Ol' Lee has hands that could tear the CCCP in half.

Also, I made sure there were no blacks within a 500-yard parameter. Well, actually Toby Keith made sure of it, as I paid him in Thomas Jeffersons to make sure of it!

To top things off, I took my Civil War gun out of my gun safe and cleaned it old school like, making sure the powder was just so. But then, I accidentally shot my son in the face. Luckily, I had my neighbor make his casket out of the wood shed that John Wayne was born in, so it turned a minus into a plus.

Next, I performed archery in my 5-acre lot. On the bullseye was the word "liberal." Because I've had enough of being open to new behavior or opinions. I like my behavior limited and my opinions traditional. That means you homosexuals! Nice try though. Don't ask me if I want any and I won't tell you I do. Really, quit asking. But, I'm getting away from my point here which is I'm a patriot. And I prove it day in and day out by confessing my sins to my pastor, who doesn't even hold the fact that I sometimes eat Chinese against me.

So… what was I talking about? Oh yeah, the Chinese. I hate 'em. Don't bring 'em near me because I just might have to tell 'em my new fortune, which is this: I love America! Oh right, AMERICA! U S A! U S A!

Here's the lyrics to my song. Love 'em or leave em'. But mostly love 'em. Not you Guadalupe. Nice try though. Turn that green card into a red, white and blue card. But pick my kids up from baseball first. Here's the lyrics:

A is for Ass kicking
M is for Me
E is for England
R is for Really whooped their ass
I is for Me because
C is for Cickin'
Ass again, all over the place.


And then I mostly repeat it from there. It functions as a kind of Gary Glitter piece. Made to be played before minor league baseball games. So play on America! Not the song, the country. And, never forget, these colors don't run… unless you're yellow!