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January 14, 2009


You know that you are never too old nor young to receive advice from your mother. Like just the other day I told my elderly mother that I was going to do a stand up routine @ the Comedy House in Cola. and she said "well,just watch your tongue." Naturally, I said "I think the audience there is the wrong demographic for that sort of thing but if I ever get a gig at a kindergarden why I'll sure keep it in mind." You have to keep old folks engaged ; but then she added "and don't tell that disgusting concentration camp joke about the famous chef either! So here goes... People, isn't it a fact that until this month African American people could use the "N" word without reservation ? Well of course it is,and wasn't it rumored that "Borat" was himself a Jew and yet there were some scenes in that movie that were pretty offensive to some viewers? Well , I'm here to tell you that I am part Jewish and the German daughter of a Holocoust survivor; besides well behaved women seldom make history so here goes: Have you all heard of the famous travelling chef from NYC. that travels the world and it's all shown on one of the cable stations,right? One day he's the dinner guest at a Laotian familys humble home and they're all sitting around eating and Anthony Bourdain gives the thumbs up sign to his hosts but what he says to his crew broadcasting on American t.v. is a whole different thing,ok? Anyway he says"I do not know how I'm gonna swallow any more of these swallows,ok this is pretty grose they're all chargrilled and burned feathers,entails and all! You, speaking to his director so owe me for this,I want Venice,and Rome and Milan next or I quit! I'll always have "Les Halles" in N.Y.,you know; no more so called NY. style pizzas made by the Amish people or in the straight out of "Deliverance" freakin Appalachian Mtns.,nes pas? So his boss says "sure,Anthony no problem." So after a brief rest and deworming,compliments of his neighbor,a well respected veterinarian in Manhattan Bourdain and his crew set out for Italy, or so he thought . Suddenly,he looks out of the plane window and says"asshole,I've been every dam where and this looks like Germany to me!" Just a small,tiny irrelevant "pit" stop his director,begging more than just making a statement answers. All you have to do is make an oven pizza and poof Italia,ok? So they land,get in a van and all of a sudden Bourdain says "what the fuuhh,is this some kind of God dam concentration camp or something?" Well,yeah Anthony the director says, thats the not so good news the bad news is you have to make the pizza in one of the "ovens"... in the kitchen,right,Bourdain asks. No, you know Thee Oven. Bourdain yelling now says"you depraved money hungry son of a bitch, how much does it pay?   People,are you still with me ? I don't know how I'm ever 'gonna make a living doing stand up unless I move to Minnesota,hell and I can't even stand the winters in South Carolina but they've got the "Prairie Home Companion" thing up there and you can speak  forever; I mean what else are you going to do when the snow is up to your tonsils. Here,at the "Comedy House" you only have 3 minutes to get your game on if you're a nobody local,yocal doing open mike, I figured I'd just speak like my former NYC. self but I can't remember how,it's been too long ago. Anyway,moving right along; no heckeling,alright? It does pick up the pace though, you'llsee.This is part of an imaginary stand up monologue/dream opening up for the wonderful,fellow Piscean D.L. Hughley. The part  about Anthony Bourdain is mostly a figament of my imagination. I will be in the audience at D.L Hughley"s show at the Comedy House but there are no opening mikes on Sunday's. D.L.Hughley has a web site on "comics.com he does not subscribe to FOD and I'm too tired and to be truthful stupid to figure out how to transfer this over there. This is all for fun so don't sue me anyone mentioned besides if you got my stuff you'd have to renovate my house,take care of my cats,etc. In closing I always say if anyone ever picks my garbage and steals my identity I hope they have the descency to pay my bills! If I've made any spelling errors remember,I learned how to not spell in NYC. Also I haven't yet found the spelling check on this blasted computer yet;besides how does one navigate this thing to know when you deliberately want to spell something incorrectly? Hmm, Goodnight,sweet dreams,under the rightspell,Ican only hope.Adieu..