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August 21, 2015

Eli Manning reportedly stated he wanted to be the highest paid player in the league. But it's just not his fault.

Hi guys. I’m New York Giants quarterback Eli Manning. You may have heard about me in the news lately. Someone said that I said that I wanted to be the highest paid player in the NFL but then I denied saying that but also made it seem like maybe I said something like that.

Anyway, I’m here to come clean: I MIGHT have said it but I’m not sure and it’s impossible for me to find out because of my danged mouth.

Here’s the thing, my mouth hangs slightly open pretty much all the time and sometimes words just escape outta there without me knowing about it.


This happens to me a lot. I’ll just be standing around at practice or the locker room or a salary negotiation, and I’ll be blankly looking around, eyelids heavy, lower mouth hanging loose as a basset hound’s jowls.


And all of a sudden here they come: NOISES! Spillin’ out from under my eyes and nose. Sometimes the noises are just tiny coughs or spit clogged inhales, like the kind of inhales where your soaking wet tongue gets clogged in your throat, but sometimes those noises form words and boy howdy, that usually spells trouble for your lil boy, Eli.

Here’s what they taught me about mouths in my for-football-quarterbacks-only biology lecture at Ole Miss: If your mouth is open, sometimes words come out. But here’s where it gets complicated, words don’t always come out if your mouth is open, just sometimes (And like I said, this mouth of mine is always hanging loose as the boot cut in my blue jeans). Another frustrating thing about it is once the words escape outta your mouth, there ain’t no way to catch ‘em and shove back in there.

Unless you’re fast!


Sometimes a word sneaks out and I’m like SNATCH, GOTCHA ya dang word! And I move my big old tongue outta the way and shove that sucker deep back down my throat and tell ‘em to stay. But normally the word gets way outta reach before I even notice what in the heck is going on, that is if I notice the danggone word sneaking out at all!

So that’s my hypothethethesis (Ole Miss biology word!) on what happened with this whole “highest paid player in the NFL” problem. I didn’t mean to say it, some words just plain fell outta my droopy jaws when I wasn’t looking.


The whole situation reminds me of the first time I got in trouble for letting some of them words fall out while my mouth hung lower than a sack of wet clay tied to a skinny tree branch.

I was thirteen and sitting in church next to my big brother Peyton. My daddy, as usual, had his hand on the back of my neck and was pointing me toward the altar (he had to hold me up by the back of my neck when I was younger because, before I developed neck muscles during puberty, my lower jaw would weigh down my entire head).

Anyway, daddy’s holding me up and Peyton’s giving me rib tickles, trying to make me laugh (at that point Peyton and everyone else hadn’t realized yet that I’m not ticklish, in fact, I don’t even have nerve endings on my skin. Tickle me all day and I’ll just slowly turn my face toward you, force a smile, and yell “HA. HA.” because I learned that’s what normal people do in that situation).

All of a sudden two words fall outta my mouth: “Saints Suck!” These words were particularly bad because the people in church thought I was saying that the holy saints of Christianity suck while also my daddy played for the New Orleans Saints at the time and he was real sensitive to how bad a team they were those days. The worst part was, I didn’t mean any of those words, they were just the ones that escaped!

To this day I have no clue why those words fell out but they taught me that sometimes it happens and all you can do is keep on doing what you’re doing. Which in my case is staring blankly while my mouth hangs slightly open. And throwing a lot of interceptions.