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December 03, 2015
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Dang, we have so many cool things going for us, does this have to be what we're known for?

Well, after yesterday’s two mass shootings, which brought the total number of mass shootings in 2015 to 352, meaning we’ve have 16 more mass shootings than days this year, it seems that mass shootings might be America’s “thing.”

You know how like, Italy is known for its delicious pasta and Japan is now known for its legions of asexual men? That’s kinda what mass shootings are to the United States now. Like, if some new country joined the United Nations and a kind, older country were to show them the ropes like it was their first day of high school, they’d whisper as the American delegate walked by, “Oh, that’s America, they’re like really into loose gun legislation and are totally obsessed with some outdated interpretation of their second amendment. It’s super weird.”

That’d probably pique the new country’s interest and they’d followed up with, “Whoa, weird, has this had any negative ramifications?” and the kind, wise, popular country (honestly, I’m imagining Sweden in this scenario) gives them the side eye and is like, “You don’t even want to know, but yeah, it’s led to people easily getting their hands on military-grade rifles and slaughtering large numbers of innocent strangers occupying spaces they ought to feel safe in.”

“Whoa” the new country would say, and then they’d turn and point to New Zealand and be like, “What about them, what’s their deal?” And Sweden would whisper, “Rumor has it they’re all sheep.”

But, to continue with the original point before we get into the mess that is UN prom, if America’s “thing” is “innocent and sometimes even vulnerable citizens like children being gunned down by a single person who’s decided that mass murder is the only way to get a point across and has access to guns and ammo to do so” that means we won’t be known for our fun “things” like objectionable portion sizes and baseball! There are a lot of dope things about America that are getting overshadowed right now. What if people around the world get so caught up with this terrifying mass shooting trend and forget that we serve up delicious BBQ and that we have a Grand Canyon that can literally make people weep at the sight of it?

Grand_Canyon_-_Hopi_Point.JPG

It’d be a damn shame if our shitty gun laws prevented people from remembering this beaut!

For those not compelled to change our gun laws based on the terror of regular mass shootings, then at least think about it for the sake of our reputation as a country that has its shit together. It’s not too late to make our current “thing” not our forever “thing.” Unfortunately the Holocaust was Germany’s “thing” for a while, but they got their shit together, realized that was a horrible “thing,” and now are much more associated with month-long beer festivals and lederhosen. Let’s turn our focus to what America’s lederhosen can be.

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