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September 10, 2015
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Understanding how the fart bucket you’ve created likes to learn can reduce frustration and improve achievement.

If your shitty child constantly squirms around like some asshole when he’s doing math homework or tells you he needs to listen to music while studying vocabulary because your voice sucks, take heart. Although it may seem like he’s trying to drive you insane, he’s probably just using the strategies that help him learn. Unless he’s actually trying to turn you insane. That’s fairly common too and even more possible than you’d care to know.

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Imagine what this prick’s anger will be like all hormoned out mid-puberty.

“I like silence, and my dumb-as-a-box-of-shit daughter can’t think that way. She likes to bounce around on a ball with music in the background,” says author Regina Donalds, who created a website and is now calling herself an author because she didn’t already have enough annoying shit to post about online. “Sometimes shitty kids are just doing what works for them.”

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Regina’s husband, Richard. He’s so dead inside that if you screamed into his open mouth, you’d hear an echo.

Educators have long been aware that kids suck ass real hard and consequently there’s no one-size-fits-all. Because that’d be too easy. In a typical classroom, some dipnuts process information best by hearing an explanation, some learn by seeing something written out and pretending they’re not too fucking stupid to read even though they clearly are, and others learn through being awful turds named Cody. Three basic learning styles are auditory, kinesthetic, and visual.

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Douchey AND creepy? Good luck with that mess.

  • Auditory learners prefer listening to explanations over reading because they’re so stupid they can’t read or they’re just the kind of people who like Donald Trump. This type of learner may want background music while working or they may need a quiet space to study their useless bullshit. Either way they’re going to be unhappy and shout in your dead, joy-sucked face about it.
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Pseudo-feminism is really popular in music nowadays. Enjoy that.

  • Kinesthetic learners learn by doing and touching. There’s no fucking pleasing this dickhead. This taint of a human being may have trouble sitting while studying, and they are better able to understand information through hands-on activities. Don’t hug them.
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If they really need affection, that’s what the hugging wall is for.

  • Visual learners process new information by reading—you know, fucking learning. Dick sconces like that are as normal as kids get so you should be happy they’re not 1,000% fucking messes like everyone on TV so just leave them alone, you’re only going to fuck them up more with the baggage you inherited from those bike shorts covered in piss you call parents.
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Even corn would look at Richard and say, “Now that’s a husk.”

The good news is, most teachers use a combination of styles and then complain about it in the evening to friends with real jobs who don’t get half the year off. Understanding your shit parade’s learning style can reduce homework frustrations and make it easier for families to not have to deal with that fucking nonsense, says Donalds. Moreover, parents being completely shitty themselves and telling teachers how to do their fucking jobs can make children feel like they’re more important than anyone else so they grow up to stand in front everyone on the sidewalk typing on their phone like they’re writing a speech for the fucking president.

“The best part is that the things that benefit your asshole are really going to benefit all the assholes, so you’re not asking for the moon by telling the teacher to treat your asshole differently,” said Donalds. “I’m an author.”

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