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October 21, 2011

Are you lonely and looking for a companion? How about a kite?

Getting a pet can be a huge responsibility.  There’s the expensive food, time consuming love and affection, and you’re constantly having to clean up after it.  What if I  told you there was a cheap way to combine two classic pets into one?  Birds are great because they can fly and dogs rock because you can attach a rope to their collar and walk around with them.  My friends, I present to you, a kite.  Since kites are inanimate objects, they don’t require any food or water.  Kites are fine with being both complimented and insulted.  Kites never expel any waste from their bodies, be it brown, yellow, or that weird white, watery bird poo.  Although the idea of a kite soaring majestically up in the clouds crapping all over would be pretty awesome. 

Here’s a little kite themed sketch.

(A father (Kevin) is outside on top of his driveway with one of his neighbor friends (Mark).  He is holding a new kite (kite) he just picked up for his family.  His son (Gregory) eagerly watches from the front steps.)

Mark:  Wow that sure looks like a great kite, Kev. 
Kevin:  Yessir.  Greggy and I stopped by the hardware store earlier tonight and he picked this baby out. 
Gregory:  It’s red!
Mark:  How are you liking the 10th grade, Greggy?
Gregory: It’s far-out, Mr. Harris!
Kevin:  Alright, fellas.  I haven’t flown one of these bad boys since I was little, but the trick is to start out with a short amount of string, get a running start, and then slowly let out some line and let the kite do the rest of the work.
Mark:  Show us how it’s done, pal.
Gregory:  Yeah! go Dad!
*Kevin starts sprinting down the driveway, the kite starts rising above the ground.  Just before he gets to the street he begins to slow down and the kite drops quickly, crashing into the driveway.*
Kevin:  Oh for Pete’s sake!  I forgot about the wind thing.  It needs to be windy for a kite to work. 
*Mark has walked halfway down the driveway*
Mark:  Hey, what’s the kite doing? 
Kevin:  Oh no, it’s shitting right on my freshly sealed driveway! Why do they have to make them do this now?  What a terrible idea.  Bad kite!
Mark:  That is so sad looking.
Kevin:  *shouting all the way up the driveway to Gregory*  Don’t just sit there, dummy, get the hose out!
Gregory: Ok, Dad!
*Gregory runs into the garage and begins uncoiling the hose and walking it towards the mess on the driveway.  Nearly halfway to the defecating kite, he runs out of hose and is forced to stop*
Gregory:  Uh, Dad?
Kevin:  Goddamn it, Marie!  You just had to save $17 and settle for the 25 foot hose.  “When are we ever going to need that extra 25 feet?” you asked.  What now, Marie?! Huh?! What now?!  I am just going to leave this kite shit here for you to deal with! 

*Upstairs in the family home, setting her kindle down after hearing this commotion from the driveway, a single tear streams down Marie’s cheek.*