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February 14, 2013

Brian writes monologue jokes every day. “This is one of those days,” to misquote Fred Durst. You can find more at www.brianlisi.com and tell him he’s a muffin on Twitter @BrianLisi. Thank you.

The European Union and the U.S. are discussing a possible free trade agreement. "Heeeey, did someone say free?" said Greece, not wearing a shirt for some reason.

Biologists have created synthetic DNA that can perform logic operations. The bad news being that now you can't convince them to get married.

In Texas, a 16-year-old is suing her parents because they're trying to get her to have an abortion. Not to mention ruining every holiday in the near future.

Taco Bell will be introducing a taco shell that tastes like Cool Ranch Doritos. Or for those unfamiliar, near-immediate shame.

Part of the roof of the Chernobyl nuclear power plant collapsed this week. It then began tweeting angrily at the drummer for the Black Keys as if he were to blame. Or: Fans of roofs call it the worse thing to ever happen at Chernobyl.

A 52-year-old man who ate at the Heart Attack Grill in Las Vegas every day has died of a heart attack. A man known not for tempting fate, but rather trying to punch fate in the face right after fate said it used to box professionally.

Sen. Marco Rubio said, “God has a funny way of reminding us that we’re human,” about having to stop to drink water during his response to Obama's State of the Union. Also funny: how God reminds us that the earth is over 5,000 years old.

The body of a woman touted as the "ugliest woman in the world" was finally buried over 150 years after her death and being displayed at circuses. Rush Limbaugh, you will be missed.

According to British officials, a new SARS-like virus may be spreading between humans. According to American officials, lock 'n load!

Apple is dropping the price of its lowest-end laptop by $200. Making it almost still not a good investment.

Obama issued an executive order telling government officials to come up with ways to reduce cybersecurity risks in less than a year. Step 1: Don't tell China your dog's name or your first job after college.

A consumer advocacy group is urging the FDA to set a safe level for sugar in beverages. People with Type 2 diabetes said they'd stand with the group if only they could.