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Published June 03, 2011

  I'm going to try something new this week.  Cosmo has all these perfectly reasonable, informative lists, giving dating, work, and life advice.  I'm going to dissect one of their lists.  Cosmo answers in bold Here Goes:


The Weird Trait Guys Look For in a Date:


1.  You Don't Flip Out If You Lose Your Cell: Cosmo brings up a good point here.  They say it's imperative that women keep their cool because, "Back in prehistoric times, she would need to have the wherewithal to grab the kids and run from a predator."

   

  "There's a sabertooth tiger there, what should we do?  Should we pet him?"  Same thing as losing your cellphone.  And how the fuck does Cosmo know what women did in the Paleolithic Age?  Maybe they fed babies to lions.  Or maybe just ugly babies.  Coming face to face with a bloodthirsty predator is the same exact thing as losing your cellphone.  Either way your children are probably going to die or miss soccer practice.

   You know what I want a girl to do when she loses her cellphone?  I want her to be angry like a normal person.  I certainly don't want her running down the street, grabbing children, screaming that a mountain lion is chasing her.  That would mean she's insane.  Which in turn means she's probably great in bed.  In that case I say date this girl then tell her you're moving to San Francisco AND dying.  The only way to get rid of a crazy girl is to fake death.  It's totally worth the sex.


2. You Can Just Sense if Somethings Wrong With Your Guy


  First of all, how is he already your guy. The title of this article is "Weird Things Guys Look For in a Date".  A DATE.  I wanna see the Cosmo research team.  I picture a round table of leathery old dried up vagina's complaining that, "They can't meet the right guy" or "There's no guys that understand my needs".  No, there's no guys that want to fuck you.  Not because how you look, because men can smell a controlling bitch a mile away.  It's part of our prehistoric instinct to protect our manhood and reserve Sundays for football and long shits not baby showers and brunches. 

  "If you can pick up on how someone feels without their telling you, it's a sign that you'll probably also be able to recognize a baby's need..."  Wait.  What?  So I'm looking for a mother on this date.  That is pretty weird.  You know what else I'm looking for on this date?  A finger in my asshole.  That's pretty weird too.  Cosmo is advising women to guess what their date is thinking.  Don't communicate with words like grown ups do.  That's exactly what I want.  A girl thinking for me.  Just because I have half of my dinner on my lap and I shit my pants frequently, that doesn't make me a baby.     


3.  You Tell Him Funny, Interesting Stories About Your Day:


 I don't want to hear a funny, interesting story.  I don't want to hear any story.  And I never, ever, ever, want to hear about your day.  It starts the same way every time.  "So guess what happened at work?"  Who fucking cares?  Does it involve your office getting invaded by ninjas or catching your boss blowing the janitor?  Of course not.  You're gonna tell a story about some bitch at work who is coincidentally telling the same boring story about you to her bored date. 

  Can we talk about people and "storytelling"?  We don't need to transcribe history through the oral tradition anymore.  Human progress will not be stifled if you forget to tell me about, "This guy I saw on the train" or "The cutest thing my cat did".  If your story is longer than 30 seconds it's too long.  If it's any longer you might as well start making shit up because I've stopped listening by this point.  I want chicks to make me laugh.  If you tell me a boring story I'll be thinking of a ways to leave you in the middle of the desert.  That easy. 


4.  Warning:  This Word (Baby) Sets Off Alarm Bells:


  Groundbreaking stuff here. You know when it's a good time to bring up babies? Year twelve.  You know what other words set off alarm bells?  Marriage, family, kids, children, relationship, engagement, wedding, ring, murder, kidnapped, raped, abused, assaulted, robbed, psycho ex, vampires, werewolves, infidel, mujahidin, jihad, hamas, nazi, aryan, hate crime, christian, mormon, republican, gingrich, glenn beck, jake gyllenhaal, arizona, george lopez, genocide, slave, sex dungeon, dungeons and dragons, sodomy, abortion, eastern seaboard, desperate houswives, howie mandel, midwest, southwest, southeast, sarah palin, and love. 

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