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April 13, 2011

As Seen On Bolevin.com

April fool’s day is the one day of the year when embarrassingly humourless parents are even worse, friends turn into jackasses and the media thinks that running impossibly crazy stories will send the nation into unrecoverable comedic chaos. April fool’s day is also the day of the year that I am king. Everyone tries to avoid me on April fool’s day, because I annually go shamelessly too far with my pranks and I usually destroy valuable, personal belongings and a few pets might have died, and this year was going to be the biggest yet.

I decided to prank my roommate Nick, because he always eats my shit in the fridge. It’s my shit! I’m sick and tired of eating everything I own before I have to leave it unprotected in the fridge. I’m rapidly gaining weight and I’m going through a shitload of groceries. Nick had class until late afternoon today so I had the whole day to carefully craft my master plan and put it into effect. I decided to go with the fake your-mother-is-dead-angle, because I really wanted to scare him into a fridge respecting citizen.

Firstly, I called his mother and asked her to leave a voicemail on his phone so that he can emotionally hear her voice from beyond the grave after I give him the news. Then I scoured his room, removing all the pictures and letters he has of her so that he will destroy his room in an emotional rage looking for anything that reminds him of his mother. Then lastly I hid his dog, so that I can tell him she’s dead as well to really let the message sink in. And when he got home everything was in place.

I told him I have some horrible news and I got us both a beer. His was filled with refrigerated piss of course, in honour of April fool’s day. I accidently handed him the wrong one and at the risk of blowing my cover, I decided to man up and drink my own piss silently. I told him that his father called me when he was on campus, because he couldn’t get in touch with Nick, and gave me the horrible news that his mother died. Nick blankly stared at me and told me that she isn’t dead they just spoke, apparently I told her to give him a loving call. Useless bitch.

Then I started to panic a little, so I took a deep breath and a sip of piss, then told him that I was confusing his mother with his dog. It’s his dog that died. To my understandable horror Nick smiled, and told me his dog isn’t dead he could hear her scratching my bedroom door. You can probably understand how terrified I was. Nick laughed at me and mocked my April fool’s day skills. On top of that he showed me pictures of him putting his balls in my mouth while I’m sleeping as his April fool’s joke on me.

I stared at the pictures for a while, then I cried a while, then I burned the pictures of his mother I stole, then I grabbed the shovel and killed his fucking dog.